BREAKING: Wal-Mart To Begin Selling Small Countries
Retail giant Wal-Mart unveiled plans Thursday to add the sale and distribution of small, underdeveloped countries to its product line, a move hailed by investors as both “brilliant” and “utterly inevitable.”
The bold initiative proposed by the retail chain will feature competitive pricing on multiple countries and provinces, predominantly in Africa and southeast Asia, with planned expansion into Eastern Europe slated for the summer of 2014.
“Wal-Mart’s goal has always been to be a one-stop shop for all consumers, and the option for our shoppers to purchase and manage actual semi-functioning countries blazes an exciting path forward,” said Wal-Mart’s director of international commerce James Meredith. “Our market research clearly indicates that our buyers will not only welcome the opportunity to branch into this dynamic new field of retail, but potentially bring peace and stability to some of the more troubled regions of our world.”
While the initial array of countries available for purchase is relatively small, comprised mainly of smaller agrarian states like Burundi, Gambia and Malawi, the retail superstore has already set its sights on larger European countries such as Moldavia and Latvia. All sales packages will include working master keys to all government buildings, complete access and control over agricultural and mineral resources, and the option to have a towering statue of their likeness erected in the country’s capital city.
All country purchases will also include a customized orientation package with tips, tricks and international currency exchange rates, tentatively entitled, “You Know You’re a Third-World Dictator When…”, penned by comedian Jeff Foxworthy in collaboration with former US Secretary of State James Baker.
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The bold initiative proposed by the retail chain will feature competitive pricing on multiple countries and provinces, predominantly in Africa and southeast Asia, with planned expansion into Eastern Europe slated for the summer of 2014.
“Wal-Mart’s goal has always been to be a one-stop shop for all consumers, and the option for our shoppers to purchase and manage actual semi-functioning countries blazes an exciting path forward,” said Wal-Mart’s director of international commerce James Meredith. “Our market research clearly indicates that our buyers will not only welcome the opportunity to branch into this dynamic new field of retail, but potentially bring peace and stability to some of the more troubled regions of our world.”
While the initial array of countries available for purchase is relatively small, comprised mainly of smaller agrarian states like Burundi, Gambia and Malawi, the retail superstore has already set its sights on larger European countries such as Moldavia and Latvia. All sales packages will include working master keys to all government buildings, complete access and control over agricultural and mineral resources, and the option to have a towering statue of their likeness erected in the country’s capital city.
All country purchases will also include a customized orientation package with tips, tricks and international currency exchange rates, tentatively entitled, “You Know You’re a Third-World Dictator When…”, penned by comedian Jeff Foxworthy in collaboration with former US Secretary of State James Baker.
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An array of reports surfaced Monday evening from multiple media outlets that the National Science Foundation, working at the request of the United Nations, have exhausted all ideas for repairing Earth’s hopelessly broken social and economic structures and have turned their attention to starting the whole damn thing from scratch.
The project, referred to internally as “Operation Hard Reset,” evidently involves construction of a colossal power button somewhere in the desert southwest of Carson City, Nevada, according to government sources speaking on condition of anonymity. Surrounded by a fenced perimeter, the project began moving forward in June 2011, after both the Fukushima nuclear disaster and the premiere episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ fifth season made it clear that drastic measures were warranted.
Sources have confirmed the existence of at least two black holes within the structure, caged within complex entropic “shields” generated from a compound of dark matter, ectoplasmic residue, and mitochlorians. The silo itself measures one hundred eighty feet in diameter; the exterior is encased with a thick mold of comfortingly familiar black plastic supplied by Logitech.
Opinions within the “Hard Reset” scientific enclave vary wildly as to the effect a worldwide reboot might have on the planet’s population and existing civilizations. However, most researchers tentatively agree that a cold reboot would reallocate all funds and currencies worldwide equally among all humans worldwide, leaving each of us with an approximate net worth of $.08.
In addition, sources predict that all property, estate, and personal belongings would immediately become free for ownership, a prospect that has many team members excited. “I can’t wait to trade up from my Kia,” confided one senior team member.
The project, referred to internally as “Operation Hard Reset,” evidently involves construction of a colossal power button somewhere in the desert southwest of Carson City, Nevada, according to government sources speaking on condition of anonymity. Surrounded by a fenced perimeter, the project began moving forward in June 2011, after both the Fukushima nuclear disaster and the premiere episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ fifth season made it clear that drastic measures were warranted.
Sources have confirmed the existence of at least two black holes within the structure, caged within complex entropic “shields” generated from a compound of dark matter, ectoplasmic residue, and mitochlorians. The silo itself measures one hundred eighty feet in diameter; the exterior is encased with a thick mold of comfortingly familiar black plastic supplied by Logitech.
Opinions within the “Hard Reset” scientific enclave vary wildly as to the effect a worldwide reboot might have on the planet’s population and existing civilizations. However, most researchers tentatively agree that a cold reboot would reallocate all funds and currencies worldwide equally among all humans worldwide, leaving each of us with an approximate net worth of $.08.
In addition, sources predict that all property, estate, and personal belongings would immediately become free for ownership, a prospect that has many team members excited. “I can’t wait to trade up from my Kia,” confided one senior team member.
LEXINGTON, KY — The Republican National Committee unveiled plans Tuesday for a complete makeover of all computers being currently used in GOP campaign and outreach offices across the country to Microsoft’s popular Windows XP operating system.
The planned upgrade, currently scheduled for September 2013, spells relief for staffers and campaign workers who have continued to handle all campaign management functions on older operating systems such as Windows 98, Windows 95, and MS-DOS.
“This move is long overdue for the party and signals a welcome change in the GOP mindset,” commented Fox News political analyst Douglas Frome. “The GOP in the 21st century is about embracing exciting new technologies that can be used to reach younger voters, whether that be a World Wide Web program like Mozilla Firefox or a typing and organizing program such as Wordperfect.”
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Party officials have privately expressed concern since 2010 that the party’s primary data servers, currently hosted on a pair of Commodore 64 stations, remain a weak link in the GOP’s IT infrastructure.
Cost estimates for the upgrade have been difficult to obtain; party officials have confessed that obtaining valid copies of the software needed for upgrade has been problematic. “It’s unsurprising to find that products such as Lotus 1-2-3 and Macromedia Dreamweaver are tough to find out there,” observed the GOP’s director of purchasing Brian Benson. “We knew they were popular and that we might have to take this thing pretty slow.”
...
The planned upgrade, currently scheduled for September 2013, spells relief for staffers and campaign workers who have continued to handle all campaign management functions on older operating systems such as Windows 98, Windows 95, and MS-DOS.
“This move is long overdue for the party and signals a welcome change in the GOP mindset,” commented Fox News political analyst Douglas Frome. “The GOP in the 21st century is about embracing exciting new technologies that can be used to reach younger voters, whether that be a World Wide Web program like Mozilla Firefox or a typing and organizing program such as Wordperfect.”
...
Party officials have privately expressed concern since 2010 that the party’s primary data servers, currently hosted on a pair of Commodore 64 stations, remain a weak link in the GOP’s IT infrastructure.
Cost estimates for the upgrade have been difficult to obtain; party officials have confessed that obtaining valid copies of the software needed for upgrade has been problematic. “It’s unsurprising to find that products such as Lotus 1-2-3 and Macromedia Dreamweaver are tough to find out there,” observed the GOP’s director of purchasing Brian Benson. “We knew they were popular and that we might have to take this thing pretty slow.”
...
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