Classical Valentines -- by Daniel Mendelsohn:
Penelope, my tricky lady—
yes, you’re every bit as shady
as I! It’s true, I’m bonking Circe
but she’s a goddess—please have mercy!
Antigone, triste Labdacid,
I can’t believe you went and did
what uncle said you shouldn’t! (I’m in
awe of you!) Please be mine? —Haemon
Ismene, you’re the type I seek
on V. Day—not too brave, nor meek
(I suspect that when you log on
your secret password’s meden agan.)
Clytemnestra, call me silly,
But I’m mad about that filly
whom some dismiss (“moral pariah”)—
be mine, star of the Oresteia!
Niobe, won’t your quit your crying?!
Yes, your fourteen kids are dying—
If you’ll be mine, you’ll never blubber;
I’ll be sure to use a rubber!
Euripides, they love to kvetch
(“every heroine a wicked lech!”)
If you’ll be mine, I’ll stop their yellin’—
I’m a good girl! xo, Helen
Agamemnon, of all the fellas
who lord it over craggy Hellas
I want you here, at my side—
father, king, infanticide!
Phaedra, for me there was no other—
perfect wife and perfect mother.
(Stepmom wasn’t your greatest part:
“my tongue swore, but not my heart!”)
Medea, there are some who snort
maternity just ain’t your forte;
if you’ll be mine I’ll stop their naggin’—
we’ll fly away! xo, ur Dragon
Hecuba, they call you “bitch”—
once a queen, revered and rich;
now a slave to sly Odysseus—
let me save you, be my Mrs.!
Aspasia, you may be a geisha—
(‘tween customers you’re forced to seesaw);
for me you’re not just ancillary.
Please be mine forever? —Peri
Andromache, once Hector’s gal—
mother, sister, bride, & pal:
Troy lost the war, you’re now my slave—
I love you! —Pyrrhus (not a knave)
Alex, you have been my fella
since those early days at Pella;
my prince, my boyfriend, rock, & bastion—
Be my V.! Love, Hephaestion
Calpurnia, our conjugal mission
for u to be above suspicion;
Cleo’s cute, but too unruly—
you’re the one for me! Love, Juli
To Antinoüs, from Hadrian:
Antinoüs, my darling boy
you’re not the smartest—but a joy
to have around the villa naked
(my appetites are always slakèd!).
Another to Antinoüs, from Hadrian:
I’ve a wife, but don’t love women
as much as I love you, Bithynian!
Please be mine (N.B.: do teach
yourself to swim—avoid the beach!)
Cleopatra, multilingual queen
(sois, S.T.P., ma Valentine?)
to many a consul you’ve laid yourself bare (O!
to me you’re more than just a pharaoh!)
Ganymede, my sweet ephebe,
je t’aime, I love you, ich Dich lieb’;
some say I snatched you just to schtup-
but who’s better, really, with a cup?!
Dido, honey, don’t be mad
because I’ve left; trust me, I had
compelling reasons (a certain deus)
Be mine? (Still luv ya!) —Mr. Pius
Hera, you put up with much—
my disguises, girls & such;
on V. Day I’ve no need for ruses.
Who’s yer fella? (Answer: Zeus is!)