How many zodiac signs does it take to change a lightbulb?

[Palavra]

Μιας και λέμε για τα μη επιστημονικά αλλού, είπα να καταθέσω κι εδώ τη γνώση:

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A2: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A3: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)​

Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten-course meal and some great sex.
A2: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
A3: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.​

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."
A2: Two (of course) but it will take all week and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.
A3: Two, but the job never gets done --- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!​

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
A2: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A3: None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.​

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
A2: One: He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.
A3: None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.
A4: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.​

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A2: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A3: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide whose fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb ...​

Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?
A2: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
A3: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...​

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: None --- they'd rather sit in the dark.
A2: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?
A3: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.​

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay?
A2: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
A3: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.​

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs --- unless they're a legitimate business expense.
A2: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
A3: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.​

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A2: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
A3: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.​

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
A2: Huh? The light's out?
A3: None: only the inner light matters.​

​

http://www.aquarianage.org/lore/jokes/litebulb.html

Εμένα ούτε να με έβλεπε...
Αν έρθει ο Δαιμάνος και με σκουντήξει πανξουτονικώς, θα αυτοπυρποληθώ με λευκή κουβερτούρα λιωμένη σε μπεν μαρί, αφού πρώτα πυροβολήσω το σερτς του γούγλη.

 

[dharvatis]

Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten-course meal and some great sex.
A2: None: Taureans don't like to change anything.
A3: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.​

Πολεμάς όλη σου τη ζωή να είσαι ορθολογιστής, και μετά βλέπεις την απάντηση Α3, σκέφτεσαι την αγωνία με την οποία μαζεύεις τις καμένες λάμπες για ανακύκλωση, και σου 'ρχεται να κλάψεις...
Α, και το Α2 είναι λάθος: η αλλαγή λάμπας αποτελεί επαναφορά στην πρότερη κατάσταση, όχι αλλαγή :-D :-D

 

[nickel]

Q: How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten-course meal and some great sex.​

Flattery will get you nowhere. Ό,τι και να λέτε, εγώ δεν πρόκειται να πιστέψω στα ζώδια.

 

[Themis†]

Ό,τι και να λέτε, εγώ δεν πρόκειται να πιστέψω στα ζώδια.

Κι εγώ δεν πίστευα, αλλά τώρα αρχίζω να το σκέφτομαι...

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: None --- they'd rather sit in the dark.
A2: So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?
A3: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.​

​

 

[SBE]

Εγώ δεν ξέρω τι ζώδιο ειμαι, οπότε δεν έχω άποψη.

 

[bernardina]

Πολεμάς όλη σου τη ζωή να είσαι ορθολογιστής, και μετά βλέπεις την απάντηση Α3, σκέφτεσαι την αγωνία με την οποία μαζεύεις τις καμένες λάμπες για ανακύκλωση, και σου 'ρχεται να κλάψεις...
Α, και το Α2 είναι λάθος: η αλλαγή λάμπας αποτελεί επαναφορά στην πρότερη κατάσταση, όχι αλλαγή :-D :-D

I knew there was a reason I like and respect you so much. ;)
Το 2 είναι αισχρές συκοφαντίες της προπαγάνδας των ανερμάτιστων. :twit:

 

[AoratiMelani]

Το παλιό με τους ψυχιάτρους το ξέρετε, φαντάζομαι:

- How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One. But the lightbulb must want to change.

 

[Palavra]

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A2: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A3: Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs. (*smash*)​

Εγώ διάβασα το πρώτο, λέω ουπς, κάπου το πάει. Διάβασα το δεύτερο, σκέφτομαι «ωχ, και δεν τα πιστεύω αυτά». Μετά διάβασα το τρίτο και έψαχνα να βρω που είχε κρύψει την κάμερα (μη σας πω πόσα πράγματα έχω χαλάσει επειδή δεν έχω την υπομονή να τα ξεμπερδέψω | ξεκολλήσω | ξεβιδώσω)

 

[dharvatis]

Το 2 είναι αισχρές συκοφαντίες της προπαγάνδας των ανερμάτιστων. :twit:

:-D :-D :-D

 

[daeman]

...

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A2: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A3: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide whose fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb ...​

​

...

A2. Approximately? Approximately!? What the f..k erm... the başak are they babbling on about? I'll have none of that, thank you!
+/- 1 millionth? One millionth!? Pfff... A ten millionth of a billionth would be more like it, but that's still a bit crude.

A3.a. First of all, someone who hasn't spotted the burnt bulb, hasn't recorded the date it was bought, or hasn't already decided whose fault it is the bulb burned out and asked why that brand was chosen in the first place, is NOT a Virgo.
Surely there's been a mistake, or some heavy interference from that Chinese astrological mumbo-jumbo, perhaps.

A3.b & A1. Been there, done that, singlehanded (I've kept the bulbs to prove it). In other people's homes, and offices.
And public places. They look much better now, and brighter. Mine is dark. Me likes it.

 

[daeman]

...
How many minions does it take to change a lightbulb?

Να και μία περίπτωση που τα minions μεταφράστηκαν «τα μινιόν», και όμως τους πάει.

 

[daeman]

...
Πόσοι φορουμίτες χρειάζονται για να αλλάξουν μία λάμπα;

 

[dharvatis]

Αυτό εδώ είναι το βασικό μας νήμα περί ζωδίων, έτσι δεν είναι;

 

[Themis†]

Εγώ είμαι Σκορπιός. Πάλι καλά.

 

[daeman]

Εγώ είμαι Σκορπιός. Πάλι καλά.

Ωχ ωχ ωχ, ελπίζω να μην ήταν κάνας συγγενής σου, ε;
If it was, I'm really sorry. But you know, in love and war...

 

[daeman]

...
How many go-to guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

---

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from Western Electric Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only).

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; it's in the contract.

Q: How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasability study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility).
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission.
1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point
product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements).
compatibility architecture/study.
3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2 compatibility architecture/study.
2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted)
follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split
(Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group.
1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People - Answer customer BPRs.
11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine years.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.

Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A: 1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it!

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around him.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...

Q. How many ibm cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A. 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!


Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high-wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
- Jim Phelps
Washington, D.C.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"


Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.


Q: How many new agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a world where we can all aspire to be gods.


How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?


Astrology

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

www.cs.umd.edu/~gasarch/HUMOR/lightbulb.html

 

[daeman]

 

[daeman]

 

[daeman]