Dear Prudence
- Thread starter Alexandra
- Start date
Το δεύτερο στη σειρά είναι πολύ εύκολο να συμβεί σε χώρους δουλειάς όπου παίζει και λίγο τουπεδάκι, και είναι πολύ, μα πάρα πολύ ενοχλητικό όταν συμβαίνει.
SBE
¥
Εμένα από την άλλη με ενοχλεί αυτή η εμμονή των Αγγλοσαξώνων στον Αϊ-Βασίλη που φέρνει τα δώρα, που όσο παέι καθιερώνεται και στη χώρα μας. Αγιοβασιλιάτικο δώρο σημαίνει κάτι μικρό και πρόχειρο. Και στην Ελλάδα αυτά τα δώρα τα παίρνουν τα παιδιά την Πρωτοχρονιά. Τωρα πια όμως εχουμε και Χριστούγεννα και Πρωτοχρονιά για δώρα.
Γιατί αφού τα φέρνει ολόκληρος άγιος, τα παιδιά παίρνουν θαρρος και ζητάνε ό,τι θέλουν και φέρνουν σε δύσκολη θεση τους μεγάλους, ειδικά όταν δεν μπορούν να αντεπεξέλθουν.
Δε θυμάμαι να πέρασα ποτέ καμιά ψυχική κρίση που ανακάλυψα ότι δεν υπαρχει Αϊ-Βασίλης γιατί απλούστατα δεν το ανακάλυψα, Άγιος υπάρχει (ιστορικά) και η παράδοση λέει ότι φέρνει δώρα. Αυτή η εξήγηση μου έφτανε, παντα ήξερα ποιος αγόρασε το κάθε δώρο, για να πω και τις ανάλογες ευχαριστίες. Ποτέ δεν εμφανίστηκαν δώρα από το πουθενά και ποτέ δεν ζήτησα κάτι χωρίς να πω κι ένα "αν εχουμε χρηματα". Θυμάμαι αμυδρά που πηγαίναμε στα μαγαζιά κι έλεγα "αν μας εχουν μείνει χρήματα όταν θα τελειώσουμε τα ψώνια, θα μου πάρεις παγωτό;" και δεν απαιτούσα το παγωτό με το ζόρι γιατί μπορεί να μη μας είχαν μείνει χρήματα για παγωτό. Κι αυτό το σύστημα δούλεψε για πολλά χρόνια.
Τα Χριστούγεννα είναι μία φορά το χρόνο, οι επιπτώσεις από την ανοησία των γονιών είναι όλο το χρόνο εκεί.
Γιατί αφού τα φέρνει ολόκληρος άγιος, τα παιδιά παίρνουν θαρρος και ζητάνε ό,τι θέλουν και φέρνουν σε δύσκολη θεση τους μεγάλους, ειδικά όταν δεν μπορούν να αντεπεξέλθουν.
Δε θυμάμαι να πέρασα ποτέ καμιά ψυχική κρίση που ανακάλυψα ότι δεν υπαρχει Αϊ-Βασίλης γιατί απλούστατα δεν το ανακάλυψα, Άγιος υπάρχει (ιστορικά) και η παράδοση λέει ότι φέρνει δώρα. Αυτή η εξήγηση μου έφτανε, παντα ήξερα ποιος αγόρασε το κάθε δώρο, για να πω και τις ανάλογες ευχαριστίες. Ποτέ δεν εμφανίστηκαν δώρα από το πουθενά και ποτέ δεν ζήτησα κάτι χωρίς να πω κι ένα "αν εχουμε χρηματα". Θυμάμαι αμυδρά που πηγαίναμε στα μαγαζιά κι έλεγα "αν μας εχουν μείνει χρήματα όταν θα τελειώσουμε τα ψώνια, θα μου πάρεις παγωτό;" και δεν απαιτούσα το παγωτό με το ζόρι γιατί μπορεί να μη μας είχαν μείνει χρήματα για παγωτό. Κι αυτό το σύστημα δούλεψε για πολλά χρόνια.
Τα Χριστούγεννα είναι μία φορά το χρόνο, οι επιπτώσεις από την ανοησία των γονιών είναι όλο το χρόνο εκεί.
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Από τη σημερινή Prudence μού έκανε εντύπωση αυτό:
Dear Prudence,
I am a graduate student who is finishing my master's thesis. For inspiration, my professor suggested that I look at the thesis of a student who graduated last year and tackled a similar topic. He said it was of the quality that I should be aiming for. I got the thesis and found that most of it is plagiarized word-for-word from a book that I have been using as a source. The subject is rather obscure, and I would not expect my professor to be familiar with the plagiarized book, but I still can't believe that the student got away with it. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I feel it's none of my business, but on the other, I feel the school should know. I also can't help but think that if I don't speak up, during the grading process, my paper will be compared to his, which actually was written by the master in this field.
—Just Want To Graduate
Dear Just,
This is your business. You know that a fellow student has been given a degree—and set upon the world of academia—based on lies and theft. It may reflect his good taste that he chose to pass off as his own the superb, if conveniently obscure, research of the true author. But now that you have discovered this violation of everything scholarship is supposed to stand for, you must expose it. Take the book and the thesis and highlight a generous selection of relevant passages. Bring it to your professor and explain that as soon as you started reading the thesis, it was obvious it was a work of plagiarism. Let's hope this prompts an investigation and a stripping of this young man's graduate degree. He can then redirect his energies to a line of work more appropriate for someone with his morals—I hear there are openings in the field of mortgage-backed securities.
Dear Prudence,
I am a graduate student who is finishing my master's thesis. For inspiration, my professor suggested that I look at the thesis of a student who graduated last year and tackled a similar topic. He said it was of the quality that I should be aiming for. I got the thesis and found that most of it is plagiarized word-for-word from a book that I have been using as a source. The subject is rather obscure, and I would not expect my professor to be familiar with the plagiarized book, but I still can't believe that the student got away with it. I don't know what to do. On one hand, I feel it's none of my business, but on the other, I feel the school should know. I also can't help but think that if I don't speak up, during the grading process, my paper will be compared to his, which actually was written by the master in this field.
—Just Want To Graduate
Dear Just,
This is your business. You know that a fellow student has been given a degree—and set upon the world of academia—based on lies and theft. It may reflect his good taste that he chose to pass off as his own the superb, if conveniently obscure, research of the true author. But now that you have discovered this violation of everything scholarship is supposed to stand for, you must expose it. Take the book and the thesis and highlight a generous selection of relevant passages. Bring it to your professor and explain that as soon as you started reading the thesis, it was obvious it was a work of plagiarism. Let's hope this prompts an investigation and a stripping of this young man's graduate degree. He can then redirect his energies to a line of work more appropriate for someone with his morals—I hear there are openings in the field of mortgage-backed securities.
SBE
¥
Εμένα μου φάνηκε λίγο αυστηρή η απάντηση της Πρου. Συμφωνώ ότι ο φοιτητής πρέπει να κάνει κάτι για να μην χάσει βαθμούς, αλλά χρειάζεται περισσότερη διακριτικότητα. Καμιά φορά οι φοιτητες περνάνε τους καθηγητές τους για μαλάκες και νομίζουν ότι δεν ξέρουν ή δεν μπορούν να ελέγξουν τη δουλειά τους. Λέει δηλαδη The subject is rather obscure, and I would not expect my professor to be familiar with the plagiarized book και λεώ εγώ: κούνια που σε κούναγε. Αν για το συγκεκριμένο θεμα η κύρια πηγή είναι ένα βιβλίο, ο εποπτης καθηγητής ξέρει (ή οφείλει να ξέρει) το περιεχόμενο του βιβλίου και μπορεί η αντιγραφή να έγινε εν γνώσει του. Γι'αυτό χρειάζεται προσοχή. Του λες δηλαδή ότι η εργασία που μου έδωσες είναι όλη από την τάδε πηγή και τον αφήνεις να ψάξει τα πιο μέσα.
Επίσης, την εργασία του την εδωσε σαν υπόδειγμα εργασίας. Δηλαδή για τη δομή και το επίπεδο.
Επίσης, την εργασία του την εδωσε σαν υπόδειγμα εργασίας. Δηλαδή για τη δομή και το επίπεδο.
Πάντως, είμαι σίγουρη ότι υπάρχουν πολλοί καθηγητές που δεν μπαίνουν στον κόπο να διαβάσουν τις εργασίες των φοιτητών τους (ναι, και στο εξωτερικό). Συν τοις άλλοις, αν η λογοκλοπή όντως έγινε εν γνώσει του καθηγητή, SBE, ένας παραπάνω λόγος να τον ξεμπροστιάσει ο φοιτητής.
SBE
¥
Ο φοιτητής δεν μπορεί να αποδείξει ότι ο καθηγητής ήξερε ότι ο άλλος έκανε αντιγραφή, γι' αυτό λέω καλύτερα κουβέντα με τον καθηγητή, κι ας τον αφήσει να κυνηγήσει αυτός τον αντιγραφέα άμα θέλει, παρά να δημιουργήσεις άσχημο κλίμα παρακάμπτοντας τον καθηγητή.
Το οποίο μας πάει και στο ότι οι καθηγητές σκοτίστηκαν. Οντως, είναι πάρα πολλοί αυτοί που δεν δίνουν σημασία στις λεπτομέρειες και βαθμολογούν με βάση τη γενική εικόνα. Μπορώ να σου πω επειδή έχω πάρει μέρος σε ασκήσεις βαθμολόγησης εργασίας ότι αν η εργασία δεν έχει αντιγραφτεί ή δεν έχει κάποια άλλη ιδιαιτερότητα, με μια γρήγορη ματιά δεν πέφτεις έξω στη βαθμολογία περισσότερο από 10% (στο συν, όχι στο πλην). Κι αυτό το ξέρουν πολλοί καθηγητές κι αντί να διαβάζουν τις εργασίες τις ξεφυλλίζουν. Έτσι τους ξεφεύγει η αντιγραφή. Από την άλλη την αντιγραφή την υποψιάζεσαι αν ξέρεις το φοιτητή, πόσοι όμως τους ξέρουν;
Σε τελική ανάλυση, επειδή τα μάστερ δεν είναι προτεραιότητα για τα πανεπιστήμια, πιο πολλή βαρύτητα έχουν τα διδακτορικά και οι προπτυχιακοί (με αυτή τη σειρά), συχνά συγχωρούνται οι παραβάσεις στους φοιτητές.
Το οποίο μας πάει και στο ότι οι καθηγητές σκοτίστηκαν. Οντως, είναι πάρα πολλοί αυτοί που δεν δίνουν σημασία στις λεπτομέρειες και βαθμολογούν με βάση τη γενική εικόνα. Μπορώ να σου πω επειδή έχω πάρει μέρος σε ασκήσεις βαθμολόγησης εργασίας ότι αν η εργασία δεν έχει αντιγραφτεί ή δεν έχει κάποια άλλη ιδιαιτερότητα, με μια γρήγορη ματιά δεν πέφτεις έξω στη βαθμολογία περισσότερο από 10% (στο συν, όχι στο πλην). Κι αυτό το ξέρουν πολλοί καθηγητές κι αντί να διαβάζουν τις εργασίες τις ξεφυλλίζουν. Έτσι τους ξεφεύγει η αντιγραφή. Από την άλλη την αντιγραφή την υποψιάζεσαι αν ξέρεις το φοιτητή, πόσοι όμως τους ξέρουν;
Σε τελική ανάλυση, επειδή τα μάστερ δεν είναι προτεραιότητα για τα πανεπιστήμια, πιο πολλή βαρύτητα έχουν τα διδακτορικά και οι προπτυχιακοί (με αυτή τη σειρά), συχνά συγχωρούνται οι παραβάσεις στους φοιτητές.
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Αφού αυτό του είπε να κάνει.
Και πάλι η Prudence σκίζει, και στις δύο εβδομαδιαίες στήλες της:
http://www.slate.com/id/2290976
http://www.slate.com/id/2291143
http://www.slate.com/id/2290976
http://www.slate.com/id/2291143
Όταν είναι τσουχτερή η Προύντενς, δεν παίζεται. Βέβαια, η κυρία που έγραψε το παράπονό της δεν φαίνεται να είναι και σαΐνι, αλλά δυστυχώς τα λεφτά δεν πάνε μόνο στους έξυπνους. Απολαύστε:
I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country, but on one of the more “modest” streets—mostly doctors and lawyers and family business owners. (A few blocks away are billionaires, families with famous last names, media moguls, etc.) I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75 percent of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate. Halloween isn’t a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate children. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible person, because what’s the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday? But it just bugs me, because we already pay more than enough taxes toward actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity, or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids?
—Halloween for the 99 Percent
Dear 99,
In the urban neighborhood where I used to live, families who were not from the immediate area would come in fairly large groups to trick-or-treat on our streets, which were safe, well-lit, and full of people overstocked with candy. It was delightful to see the little mermaids, spider-men, ghosts, and the occasional axe murderer excitedly run up and down our front steps, having the time of their lives. So we’d spend an extra $20 to make sure we had enough candy for kids who weren’t as fortunate as ours. There you are, 99, on the impoverished side of Greenwich or Beverly Hills, with the other struggling lawyers, doctors, and business owners. Your whine makes me kind of wish that people from the actual poor side of town come this year not with scary costumes but with real pitchforks. Stop being callous and miserly and go to Costco, you cheapskate, and get enough candy to fill the bags of the kids who come one day a year to marvel at how the 1 percent live.
—Prudie
I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country, but on one of the more “modest” streets—mostly doctors and lawyers and family business owners. (A few blocks away are billionaires, families with famous last names, media moguls, etc.) I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75 percent of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate. Halloween isn’t a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate children. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible person, because what’s the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday? But it just bugs me, because we already pay more than enough taxes toward actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity, or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids?
—Halloween for the 99 Percent
Dear 99,
In the urban neighborhood where I used to live, families who were not from the immediate area would come in fairly large groups to trick-or-treat on our streets, which were safe, well-lit, and full of people overstocked with candy. It was delightful to see the little mermaids, spider-men, ghosts, and the occasional axe murderer excitedly run up and down our front steps, having the time of their lives. So we’d spend an extra $20 to make sure we had enough candy for kids who weren’t as fortunate as ours. There you are, 99, on the impoverished side of Greenwich or Beverly Hills, with the other struggling lawyers, doctors, and business owners. Your whine makes me kind of wish that people from the actual poor side of town come this year not with scary costumes but with real pitchforks. Stop being callous and miserly and go to Costco, you cheapskate, and get enough candy to fill the bags of the kids who come one day a year to marvel at how the 1 percent live.
—Prudie
SBE
¥
Όπως ειπα σε έναν φίλο που το σχολίασε στο φέισμπουκ αυτό: δυστυχώς τέτοια μυαλά έχουν όλες (και όλοι) αυτοί. Δεν το πίστευα μέχρι που βρέθηκα στο ΔΣ ενός συλλόγου ελληνικού ενδιαφέροντος, εδώ στο Λονδίνο, και τα έβλεπα κάθε βδομάδα αυτά. Και δεν είχαμε κανέναν να τους κράξει γιατί απλούστατα δεν ζήταγαν τη γνώμη κανενός. Κατά τ'άλλα άμα ρώταγες κανέναν απ'έξω από το χορό θα σου έλεγε τι καλοί άνθρωποι, τι απλοί παρόλα τα λεφτά, τι ευγενικοί κλπ κλπ. Καλά, ναι.
Η αγαπημένη μου Προύντενς σκόραρε πάλι!
Question
Subject: Wedding dress? Me too.
Dear Prudence: My future mother-in-law to be would like to wear her wedding dress to our wedding. I'm less concerned about the dress and more concerned what this says about our future relationship. She is a very kind, considerate person and I am certain that she knows this is not a very nice thing to do. What could her possible motivations be and what should I do about it? I'm inclined to let her wear whatever she wants as it doesn't bother me as much as maybe something else would. Should I pick my battles as they say ? Or will not saying something make me seem like a pushover?
Emily Yoffe
It’s not that this is a not nice thing to do. It’s that it’s a deranged thing to do. No one, no one, is going to be confused about who the bride will. But the more literary-minded of your guests will wonder how Miss Havisham got an invitation to your wedding. I often advise that in the matter of in-law problems, the blood relation has first go at addressing this issue. Your fiance should tell his mother he’s heard about her plan. He can say the she’s a grown woman and of course and can wear whatever she likes, but that he’s worried she will embarrass herself by showing up to his wedding in her old wedding gown. Then if she decide to wear some puff-sleeved, high-necked horror from another era, just smile and tell her how happy you are to see her.
RE: MIL dress for wedding
My MIL did not propose wearing her wedding dress, but purchased a dress suitable for a baby shower or Sunday morning at church than at her own son's wedding. I thought this was hilarious but said nothing because I figured she could look as ridiculous as she wanted. One of her friends brought her back to her senses, she wore the original dress to our rehearsal dinner, and purchased something more appropriate for the wedding. But it's been nine years and I still laugh about this, as it's indicative of just how clueless and socially inept she is.
Emily Yoffe
Ha-ha-ha, clueless and socially inept mother-in-law bought a dress more “appropriate for a baby shower” and was going to wear it to her son’s wedding! No wonder that nine years later you are still laughing at this pathetic excuse of a woman! Forgive me if I don’t understand the sartorial distinction between a dress appropriate for church and one appropriate for a wedding. (And I don’t know what a “baby shower” dress is -- I can only hope it doesn’t involve wearing a bib.) Your mother-in-law may indeed not have much fashion sense and be an awkward person. You sound like an unpleasant one.
Question
Subject: Wedding dress? Me too.
Dear Prudence: My future mother-in-law to be would like to wear her wedding dress to our wedding. I'm less concerned about the dress and more concerned what this says about our future relationship. She is a very kind, considerate person and I am certain that she knows this is not a very nice thing to do. What could her possible motivations be and what should I do about it? I'm inclined to let her wear whatever she wants as it doesn't bother me as much as maybe something else would. Should I pick my battles as they say ? Or will not saying something make me seem like a pushover?
Emily Yoffe
It’s not that this is a not nice thing to do. It’s that it’s a deranged thing to do. No one, no one, is going to be confused about who the bride will. But the more literary-minded of your guests will wonder how Miss Havisham got an invitation to your wedding. I often advise that in the matter of in-law problems, the blood relation has first go at addressing this issue. Your fiance should tell his mother he’s heard about her plan. He can say the she’s a grown woman and of course and can wear whatever she likes, but that he’s worried she will embarrass herself by showing up to his wedding in her old wedding gown. Then if she decide to wear some puff-sleeved, high-necked horror from another era, just smile and tell her how happy you are to see her.
RE: MIL dress for wedding
My MIL did not propose wearing her wedding dress, but purchased a dress suitable for a baby shower or Sunday morning at church than at her own son's wedding. I thought this was hilarious but said nothing because I figured she could look as ridiculous as she wanted. One of her friends brought her back to her senses, she wore the original dress to our rehearsal dinner, and purchased something more appropriate for the wedding. But it's been nine years and I still laugh about this, as it's indicative of just how clueless and socially inept she is.
Emily Yoffe
Ha-ha-ha, clueless and socially inept mother-in-law bought a dress more “appropriate for a baby shower” and was going to wear it to her son’s wedding! No wonder that nine years later you are still laughing at this pathetic excuse of a woman! Forgive me if I don’t understand the sartorial distinction between a dress appropriate for church and one appropriate for a wedding. (And I don’t know what a “baby shower” dress is -- I can only hope it doesn’t involve wearing a bib.) Your mother-in-law may indeed not have much fashion sense and be an awkward person. You sound like an unpleasant one.
Δεν ξέρω αν πρέπει να γελάσω ή να κλάψω:
Dear Prudence,
At age 66, I believe I have met the person I have been looking for all of my life. I am twice divorced and “Art’s” first marriage also ended in divorce. His second wife of 15 years, Lucy, died a year before we met after a long illness. He is 75, and I consider myself unbelievably lucky to have met him—it was love at first sight and we are talking about marriage. But I can’t get past my concern over burial arrangements. There is a double headstone for him and his second wife with his name already engraved on it. We both are very healthy considering our ages, so we could be together for 20 years. The subject of burial actually came up early in our relationship when he was describing their headstone. When I voiced concern about where I would be buried, he said he has another space available there. I’m upset when I think about being buried alone, and I don’t know if I could bring myself to bury him beside Lucy if we end up having a longer marriage than theirs. I don’t want to do anything to mess up this chance at happiness for both of us, but I also don’t want to put myself in a situation I can’t handle. This could at least be partly affected by my horror at the thought of making another mistake in marriage. Since my last divorce, I have come close three times to remarrying but have been the one to run for the hills. What’s your advice?
Worrywart
Dear Worrywart,
I’m going to interrupt my answer to you to give some advice to Art: “Run for the hills!” Worrywart, you have had two divorces and three more almost-walks down the aisle. You apparently just met this widower, and already you are freaking out that you’re going to have to share your final resting place with the woman who came before you. Given your track record, and the fact that you are perseverating about headstones before you’ve even headed off to get a marriage license, indicates to me that if you actually do marry Art, your concerns will eventually be nullified by divorce. You seem to believe that if you have a longer run with Art then he had with Lucy, then he should cancel his underground rendezvous with her. Let’s set aside the fact that this would be in defiance of the actuarial tables. You should spend less time worrying about how alone you’ll be after you die because, well, you’ll be dead. Keep fixating on this and the thing you end up killing will be your relationship.
Dear Prudence,
At age 66, I believe I have met the person I have been looking for all of my life. I am twice divorced and “Art’s” first marriage also ended in divorce. His second wife of 15 years, Lucy, died a year before we met after a long illness. He is 75, and I consider myself unbelievably lucky to have met him—it was love at first sight and we are talking about marriage. But I can’t get past my concern over burial arrangements. There is a double headstone for him and his second wife with his name already engraved on it. We both are very healthy considering our ages, so we could be together for 20 years. The subject of burial actually came up early in our relationship when he was describing their headstone. When I voiced concern about where I would be buried, he said he has another space available there. I’m upset when I think about being buried alone, and I don’t know if I could bring myself to bury him beside Lucy if we end up having a longer marriage than theirs. I don’t want to do anything to mess up this chance at happiness for both of us, but I also don’t want to put myself in a situation I can’t handle. This could at least be partly affected by my horror at the thought of making another mistake in marriage. Since my last divorce, I have come close three times to remarrying but have been the one to run for the hills. What’s your advice?
Worrywart
Dear Worrywart,
I’m going to interrupt my answer to you to give some advice to Art: “Run for the hills!” Worrywart, you have had two divorces and three more almost-walks down the aisle. You apparently just met this widower, and already you are freaking out that you’re going to have to share your final resting place with the woman who came before you. Given your track record, and the fact that you are perseverating about headstones before you’ve even headed off to get a marriage license, indicates to me that if you actually do marry Art, your concerns will eventually be nullified by divorce. You seem to believe that if you have a longer run with Art then he had with Lucy, then he should cancel his underground rendezvous with her. Let’s set aside the fact that this would be in defiance of the actuarial tables. You should spend less time worrying about how alone you’ll be after you die because, well, you’ll be dead. Keep fixating on this and the thing you end up killing will be your relationship.
Για όνομα του Θεού! Η κοπέλα είναι σε ηλικία που άλλες έχουν ήδη τελειώσει το Λύκειο και ο γυμναστής είναι ένα 22χρονο παιδί. Πώς έχει καταντήσει πια αυτή η πολιτική ορθότητα που ονομάζει αποπλάνηση ανηλίκου τη σχέση μεταξύ μιας 17χρονης κι ενός 22χρονου; Σοβαρά τώρα; Τη στιγμή που η ίδια 17χρονη θα μπορούσε να έχει σεξουαλικές σχέσεις από τα 14 με έναν συνομήλικο ή λίγο μεγαλύτερο μαθητή; Και η Προύντενς, που τόσο πολύ την εκτιμώ, τη συμβουλεύει να απευθυνθεί στους γονείς της ή στον προϊστάμενο του νεαρού, δηλαδή να δημιουργήσει μια φασαρία που μπορεί να βάλει τη ρετσινιά του παιδεραστή σ' ένα 22χρονο παιδί; Έχουν τρελαθεί νομίζω στην Αμερική, αν και στο ΗΒ δεν πάνε πίσω, απ' ό,τι διαβάζω.
Dear Prudence,
I am a 17-year-old girl living in a stable home with a protective, loving family. I play basketball and have practice or training five days a week. I get one-on-one training from my assistant coach, who is 22 years old. He sends me links to articles and videos about basketball almost daily. These often turn into a conversation that ends up being about something else besides basketball. There’s been nothing sexual at all—he’s a really decent guy who has never made me feel uncomfortable. It’s just friendly conversation with some teasing in there, which is the part I’m a little hesitant about. I really like him, but because he’s my coach I’d never want to pull something with him and get him in trouble. He does treat me differently from the other girls, but just in little ways. Then there’s my mom. I once nonchalantly asked her about having crushes on coaches, and she flipped, not even knowing I was talking about him. If she finds out we are texting, I know she’ll be upset and worried, even though I’d never participate in or initiate inappropriate texting with him. I’m so conflicted because I don’t want to lose the friendship I have with my coach, but at the same time it’s a lot of pressure to be keeping this from my mom, and even friends. What should I do?
—Torn Texter
Dear Torn,
It’s too bad this young coach hasn’t sensed the potential danger here that you obviously do. True, you and coach are only five years apart in age, and if you were 25 and he were 30, the difference wouldn’t matter. But you are in high school, a minor, and he is in a position of authority. You may have a bit of a crush on him; he may have one on you. While it’s a relief that nothing explicitly sexual has been expressed, your letter is drenched in discomfort. Daily teasing texts from your coach are not OK, and it’s also not OK that you feel the need to make excuses for him and manage this situation. We live in a hair-trigger climate about these issues, and I do not want to derail a nascent career. But this young coach needs some serious coaching from a senior coach about the lines he cannot cross if he wants to pursue this profession. School is starting again, and you must take action. I hope you can talk to your parents about what’s going on and that they can listen without flipping out. You need to express that while absolutely nothing sexual has taken place, you are uncomfortable with the attention you are receiving, and you need one-on-one coaching from someone else this season. Then your parents will have a conversation with the head coach and changes will be made. If you really don’t want to bring your parents into this, go to the head coach directly. Again, you need to say there is no “relationship” going on, but you want a change. Yes, you can tell young coach directly to stop the texting and teasing and no more one-on-one. But you would need to be comfortable enough to do that, and it doesn’t sound as if you are. That means that you need intervention from the adults in your life, and he does, too. Maybe he’s just overly enthusiastic about a promising student. But he needs to reverse course fast because the path he’s on is one that sometimes leads to a mug shot.