(A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin), huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded with bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.)
Voice Over (Eric Idle) : This man is Ernest Scribbler...manufacturer of jokes. In a few moments, he will think of the funniest joke in the world, and as a result, he will die laughing.
(Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written...a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly into uncontrolled hysterical laughter...he staggers to his feet, and reels across the room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.)
Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live...
(Ernest's mother (Eric Idle) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.)
Commentator (Terry Jones) : This morning, shortly after 11 o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden...violent...comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.
Inspector (Graham Chapman) : I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.
(About now an upstairs window in the house is flung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.)
Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division...(Inspector points to a group of sour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of reading the joke. (He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The dead march is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.)
Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in Police history.
(The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.)
Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.
(Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on the door: "Conference, No Admittance".) Dispatch rider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter...series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.)
(Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track into slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.)
Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.
(Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to Corporal's face, registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidly. Man on top of Pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the Corporal. He peers at it. Thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching Generals are very impressed.)
Generals: Fantastic.
(Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.)
Colonel (Graham Chapman) : All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. But apart from that, things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.
(Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)
Voice Over: So, on July 8th, 1944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes.
Commanding NCO: Tell the...joke.
Joke Brigade (All together) : Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.)
Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke...(Cut to film of Chamberlain brandishing the "peace in our time" bit of paper)...and one which Hitler just couldn't match.
Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks, subtitles are superimposed.
Subtitle: "My dog's got no nose"
A young soldier responds.
Subtitle: "How does it smell?"
Hitler speaks.
Subtitle: "Awful"
Voice Over: In action it was deadly.
(Cut to small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of the tree he reads out joke.)
Corporal (Terry Jones) : Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)
Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to the ground.)
Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.
(Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically. Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke brigade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; the other stands behind him.)
Nazi (John Cleese) : Vott is the big joke?
Officer (Michael Palin): I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?
Nazi: That's not funny. (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.
Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?
Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know...How do you make a Nazi cross?
Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so. Nazi hops about in pain.)
Nazi: Gott in Hiramell That's not funny! (Mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide sound affects.) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.
Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.
Nazi: Ahh...you're no fun. All right, Otto.
(Otto (Graham Chapman) starts tickling the officer who starts laughing.)
Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all right I'll tell you.
(They stop tickling him)
Nazi: Quick, Otto. The typewriter.
(Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly. The officer produces a piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads..)
Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)
Nazi: Ach! Zat is not funny.
(Nazi bursts into laughter and dies. A German guard bursts in with a machine gun. The British Officer leaps on the table.)
Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ...Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British Officer makes his escape. Cut to a film of German Scientists working in laboratories.)
Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.
(A German General is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto labled 'A different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters the room. He clears his throat and reads from a card.)
German Joker (Eric Idle) : Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wanderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.
(He finishes and looks hopeful.)
Otto: We’ll let you know.
(He shoots him. Film of German scientists.)
Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.
(Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.)
Radio: (Crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, walking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.
(Radio bursts into 'Deutschland Uber Alles'. The couple look at each other then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.)
Commentator (Eric Idle) : In 1945 peace broke out. It was the end of the joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.
(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: "To the Unknown Joke". Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.)
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