Αργυρώνημα (η μουσική του χρήματος)

Zazula

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Δεν βάζω τους στίχοι (sic), αλλά σεις θα τους βρείτε εύκολα. :)
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
She's got all the friends that money can buy - Chumbawamba


She's got all the friends that money can buy
She's the apple of her daddy's eye

The family money has a magnetic pull
Her social diary is always full
And both her faces - so easy on the eye
And everyone worth knowing is kissing her behind

Style has a price without much change
If you have to ask, then it's out of your range
Versace and Prada they mean nothing to me
Well, you can buy your friends, but I'll hate you for free
Hate you for free...

She's got all the friends that money can buy
She's the apple of her daddy's eye
She just shakes her yeah, yeah, yeah
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
Hard Times of Old England - Steeleye Span


Come all brother tradesmen that travel alone,
O, pray come and tell me where the trade is all gone,
Long time I have travelled and cannot find none,
And it's O, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

Provisions you buy at the shop it is true,
But if you've no money there's none there for you.
So what's a poor man and his family to do?
And it's O, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

If you go to a shop and you ask for a job
They will answer you there with a shake and a nod.
That's enough to make a poor man to turn out and rob,
And it's O, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

You will see the poor tradesmen a-walking the street
From morning till night for employment to seek.
And scarcely they have any shoes to their feet,
And it's O, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

Our soldiers and sailors have just come from war,
Been fighting for their King and their country sure,
Come home to be starved better have stayed where they were,
And it's O, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

So now to conclude and to finish my song
Let us hope that these hard times they will not last long.
And I may soon have occasion to alter my song,
And sing O, the good times of old England,
In old England very good times.


Hard Times of Old England Retold - The Imagined Village featuring Billy Bragg


For five generations my family have farmed,
by horse and by tractor, by hoe and by hand,
but that won't stave off the bank's latest demand.
Singing, oh, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

Time was, I could sell what I grew at the shop,
Then Tesco's turned up, all of that had to stop.
Now I can't make a living out of my crop.
Singing, oh, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

More and more of our village gets sold every day,
To folks from the city who are happy to pay,
For their holiday cottage to stand empty all day
Singing, oh, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

The Countryside Alliance expects, I suppose,
My support when they're marching to bloody Blair's nose,
But they said not a word when our post office closed.
Singing, oh, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.

The hedgerows my grandfather tended have gone,
And with them the lapwing and the corncrake's sad song.
I fear I'll be carried off before long.
Singing, oh, the hard times of old England,
In old England very hard times.


And now to conclude and to finish my song;
Let's hope that these hard times they will not last long,
And I may soon have occasion for to alter my song
Singing, oh, the good times of old England,
In old England very good times.
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
Men of Good Fortune - Lou Reed


Men of good fortune
often cause empires to fall
While men of poor beginnings
often can't do anything at all

The rich son waits for his father to die
the poor just drink and cry
And me, I just don't care at all

Men of good fortune
very often can't do a thing
While men of poor beginnings
often can do anything

At heart they try to act like a man
handle things the best way they can
They have no rich, daddy to fall back on

Men of good fortune
often cause empires to fall
While men of poor beginnings
often can't do anything at all

It takes money to make money they say
look at the Fords, but didn't they start that way
Anyway, it makes no difference to me

Men of good fortune
often wish that they could die
While men of poor beginnings
want what they have and to get it they'll die

All those great things that life has to give
they wanna have money and live
But me, I just don't care at all

Men of good fortune
men of poor beginnings
Men of good fortune
men of poor beginnings
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
How Can A Poor Man Stand Such Times And Live? (1929) - Blind Alfred Reed


There once was a time when everything was cheap,
But now prices nearly puts a man to sleep.
When we pay our grocery bill,
We just feel like making our will --
I remember when dry goods were cheap as dirt,
We could take two bits and buy a dandy shirt.
Now we pay three bucks or more,
Maybe get a shirt that another man wore --
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live?

Well, I used to trade with a man by the name of Gray,
Flour was fifty cents for a twenty-four pound bag.
Now it's a dollar and a half beside,
Just like a-skinning off a flea for the hide --
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live?

Oh, the schools we have today ain't worth a cent,
But they see to it that every child is sent.
If we don't send everyday,
We have a heavy fine to pay --
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live?

Prohibition's good if 'tis conducted right,
There's no sense in shooting a man 'til he shows flight.
Officers kill without a cause,
They complain about funny laws --
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live?

Most all preachers preach for gold and not for souls,
That's what keeps a poor man always in a hole.
We can hardly get our breath,
Taxed and schooled and preached to death --
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live?

Oh, it's time for every man to be awake,
We pay fifty cents a pound when we ask for steak.
When we get our package home,
A little wad of paper with gristle and a bone --
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live?

Well, the doctor comes around with a face all bright,
And he says in a little while you'll be all right.
All he gives is a humbug pill,
A dose of dope and a great big bill --
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live?

https://archive.org/details/Reed
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
How Can a Poor Man Stand Such Times and Live? - Ry Cooder (Sausalito, 1974)


Thanks, B.


How Can a Poor Man Stand Such Times and Live? - Ry Cooder (London, 1982)

 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
How Can a Poor Man Stand Such Times and Live? - Bruce Springsteen (2006)


Well the doctor comes 'round here with his face all bright
And he says "in a little while you'll be alright"
All he gives is a humbug pill, a dose of dope and a great big bill
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live

He said, "Me and my old school pals had some mighty high times down here
And what happened to you poor black folks, well it just ain't fair"
He took a look around, gave a little pep talk, said "I'm with you" then he took a little walk
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live

There's bodies floatin' on Canal and the levees gone to Hell
Martha, get me my sixteen gauge and some dry shells
Them who's got got out of town and them who ain't got left to drown
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live

Go ahead!

Got family scattered from Texas all the way to Baltimore
Yeah, and I ain't got no home in this world no more
Gonna be a judgment, that's a fact, a righteous train rollin' down this track
How can a poor man stand such times and live?
Tell me how can a poor man stand such times and live


Bruce Springsteen's personal thoughts on the song:
This song was written by Blind Alfred Reed and recorded a month after the crash of '29 that heralded the Great Depression. I first heard it on Ry Cooder's self-titled debut album (1970). To his arrangement we owe a debt. I kept the "doctor" first verse by Reed then wrote three others with a mind to the great trials the people of New Orleans have faced this year.

Liner notes from We Shall Overcome - The Seeger Sessions - American Land Edition:
Written and recorded just weeks after the 1929 stock market crash by singer and fiddler "Blind" Alfred Reed. I kept the first verse, then wrote three more, portraying the government negligence that made the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina so much worse for the poor of New Orleans.
http://www.springsteenlyrics.com/lyrics/h/howcanapoormanstandsuchtimesandlive.php
 

daeman

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Staff member
...
How Can a Poor Man Stand Such Times and Live? - UB40 (2013)


Once the shops were filled with things that I could buy
But the prices up them all the guns got high
Don't suppose they're gonna drop
Gotta get used to the charity shop
Tell me how can poor men
Stand such times and live

Seems like only yesterday food was so cheap
Now the cost of eating goes up every week
So you search for the best deals
Have to miss out on some meals
Tell me how can poor men
Stand such times and live

"Get that first foot on the ladder", they all say
But on what I'm earning they know there's no way
Ain't no bank that's gonna lend
They got bonuses to spend
Tell me how can poor men
Stand such times and live

Council housing's something I will never get
Put my name down on the list, I'm waiting yet
So I'm renting privately
Landlord's profiting from me
Tell me how can poor men
Stand such times and live

Getting round is getting harder everyday
Used to drive a car but lately there's no way
Trains are only for the rich
And the bus fares are a bitch
Tell me how can poor men
Stand such times and live

And the doctors don't come out no more at night
They won't treat you if they think you don't live right
Well, they privatize the rest
Soon there'll be no NHS
Tell me how can poor men
Stand such times and live

Keeping warm is something poor folks cannot do
Cause the oilmen need a driving yacht or two
Now the companies may grow
As the pensioners grow cold
Tell me how can poor men
Stand such times and live

Tell me how can poor men
Stand such times and live
Just tell me how can poor men
Stand such times and live
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
Ο Lucky Man! (1973), directed by Lindsay Anderson

This sprawling, surrealist musical serves as an allegory for the pitfalls of capitalism, as it follows the adventures of a young coffee salesman in Europe. Many actors play multiple roles, giving the film a stagy tone.


O Lucky Man! / Poor People / Sell Sell / O Lucky Man! (reprise) - Alan Price

Ευχαριστώ που μου το θύμισες, Μπέρνη! :)

According to Alan Price, Lindsay Anderson had been frustrated in his efforts to make a documentary featuring Price and his band about touring in England because of the prohibitive cost to license the cover songs they frequently performed. As David Sherwin and Malcolm McDowell developed the script, Anderson decided Price should write the score and sent him the script, indicating where he would like songs to appear; nearly all the songs were written in advance of filming. Anderson conceived of Price's role as a kind of Greek Chorus, both commenting on and finally appearing as part of the action.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O_Lucky_Man!#Music

O Lucky Man!
If you have a friend on whom you think you can rely, you are a lucky man
If you've found the reason to live on and not to die, you are a lucky man

Preachers and poets and scholars don't know it
Temples and statues and steeples won't show it
If you've got the secret, just try not to blow it
Stay a lucky man!
A lucky man!

If you've found the meaning of the truth in this old world, you are a lucky man
If knowledge hangs around your neck like pearls instead of chains, you are a lucky man

Takers and fakers and talkers won't tell you
Teachers and preachers will just buy and sell you
When no one can tempt you, with heaven or hell, you'll be a lucky man
You'd be better by far to be just what you are
You can be what you want, if you are what you are
And that's a lucky man!

Oh yeah!
A lucky man!
And that's a lucky, a lucky, a lucky man
A lucky, a lucky, a lucky man


Poor People
Poor people are poor people
And they don't understand
A man's got to make whatever he wants
And take it with his own hands

Poor people stay poor people
And they never get to see
Someone's got to win in the human race
If it isn't you, then it has to be me

So smile while you're makin' it
Laugh while you're takin' it
Even though you're fakin' it
Nobody's gonna know
Nobody's gonna know

It's no use mumbling
It's no use grumbling
Life just isn't fair
There's no easy days
There's no easy ways
Just get out there and do it!

And sing and they'll sing your song
Laugh while you're getting on
Smile and they'll string along
And nobody's gonna know
Nobody's gonna know
Nobody's gonna know
And nobody's gonna know


Sell Sell
Sell, sell, sell, sell everything you stand for
Tell, tell, tell, tell all the people that you care for
Running here, running there
Keep it moving, sonny, don't despair
Because the next one will be, the next one will be, the next one will be, the best one of the year

Give, give, give, give everything you paid for
Run, run, run, run for everything you prayed for
Keep that smile on your face
With a smile you're welcome any place
Because the next one will be, the next one will be, the next one will be, the best one of the year

Can I interest you in this article of mine?
Can I interest you to spare some of your time?
Can I interest you in this life of mine?
Won't you listen, listen, listen, listen, listen?

Sell, sell, sell, sell everything you stand for
Tell, tell, tell, tell all the people that you care for
Running here, running there
Keep it moving, sonny, don't despair
Because the next one will be, the next one will be, the next one will be, the best one of the year


O Lucky Man! (reprise)
...
And it's around the world in circles turning,
Earning what we can
While others dance away the chance to light a day
So it's on and on and on it's on and on,
'Round the world in circles turning,
Earning what we can
While others dance away the chance to light a day


My Home Town


Down on the corner of the street
Where I was born we used to meet
And sing the old songs
We called them dole songs

And we'd harmonize so clear
Even though it was the beer
That made the tears run
About the years gone by

We'd go home and kiss the wife
Hoping a kiss could change your life
That's how romance is
No second chances
Back in my home town

Things aren't so very different now
Poor folk must get along somehow
You live forever
On the never never
Back in my home town


Justice


We all want justice, but you got to have the money to buy it
You'd have to be a fool to close your eyes and deny it
There's a lot of poor people who are walking the streets of my town
Too blind to see that justice is used to do them right down

All through life from beginning to end you pay your monthly installments
Next to health is wealth and only wealth will buy you justice

There'll always be the fool who insists on taking his chances
And that is the man who believes in true love romances
He will trust and rely on the goodness of human nature
Now a judge will tell you that's a pathetic creature

All through life from beginning to end you pay your monthly installments
Next to health is wealth and only wealth will buy you justice
Money... justice... money... justice...

http://www.malcolmtribute.freeiz.com/olmlyrics.html




O Lucky Man!: A hopeless kind of optimism
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
Little by little - UB40


Poor man's anger rising
The ostrich hides his head
Soon the red blood will be boiling
And blue blood will be dead

While we say
Little by little by little
And stone by stone
Rich man's mountain comes crumbling down

Poor boy sleeps on straw
The rich boy sleeps in bed
That fat boy fills his belly
My poor boys are dead

The rich man drives his car past
The poor man on bare feet
That rich man do get what he wants
The poor must know defeat

While we say
Little by little by little
And stone by stone
Rich man's mountain comes crumbling down
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
The Silly Walks Song - Monty Python


Monty Python, 3 Apr 2014. Δείτε το σε πλήρη οθόνη. Μια ζωή Μόντι Πάιθον μέσα σε δύο λεπτά. Γεμίζεις εικόνες.

Work work money money
Work work money money
Work work funny money
Work work hurry hurry
Work work worry worry
Work work hurry hurry
Work work

Boring. Boring. Boring.
Work all day, earn your bread...
till you finally drop down dead


Monty Python release new song and announce final live show
 

daeman

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Staff member
...
Did Ya - The Kinks (1991)


Went for a walk down the Old King's Road,
To see if anybody was there.
But there was nobody home at 3 Bywater Street,
And they had sold Cadogan Square.
And I remember myself in my tie dye sweater,
And my hipster corduroy flares.
As I knocked on doors,
And walked down one-way streets that led nowhere.

Ah, did ya ever think it wouldn't last forever?
Did ya ever think that it would get this bad?
Did ya ever think that everything would get so crazy?

Now the Chelsea Drug Store needs a fix,
It's in a state of ill repair.
And my Cuban heels are hurting my feet,
Just to add to my despair.
La-di-dahs drove Mini cars in the summertime.
(In the summertime)
Now they're towed away for parking on a double yellow line,
And they can't pay the fine.

Did you ever think we'd all believe the hype?
Did you ever think the classes all would revert back to type?
Did you ever think the system ever really got it right?
Oh, baby.

They filled us full of false illusions and promiscuity,
And they led us down that class-less road to mediocrity.
As we walked down that alley way of hope,
We thought we'd found the motherload,
But we were led like lambs to that promise land,
With all the debts that we would owe.

Once trendies posed for tourist pictures in the summertime.
(In the summertime)
Not content with taking Polaroids, they purchased all the property that they could find,
And I've just sold mine. (Did you ever!)

Did ya ever think that this green and pleasant land,
Would end up in the bottom of some garbage can,
A dustbin full of promises and half-hearted plans.
Oh, baby.


Did ya, did ya, did ya ever think?
Did you ever think?
(In the summertime)

Now miseries and groaners moan and reminisce about the good old times and whine, whine, whine.
Did ya ever think when things were really fab,
That we'd be looking through a dustbin for a dog-end to drag,
And sleep on park benches wrapped in plastic bags.
Oh, baby.


Did ya ever think that it would get this crazy?
Did ya ever think that it would get this way?
Did ya ever think that we would pay the price for being lazy?
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
Thrift Shop - Macklemore & Lewis featuring Wanz


Hey Macklemore can we go thrift shopping
What what what what (x2)
Bada, badada, badada, bada... [x9]

[Hook:]
I'm gonna pop some tags
Only got twenty dollars in my pocket
I - I - I'm hunting, looking for a come-up
This is fucking awesome


[Verse 1:]
Nah, Walk up to the club like, "What up, I got a soda pop
I'm so pumped about some shit from the thrift shop
Ice on the fringe, it's so damn frosty
That people like, "Damn! That's a cold ass honkey."
Rollin' in, hella deep, headin' to the mezzanine,
Dressed in all pink, 'cept my gator shoes, those are green
Draped in a leopard mink, girls standin' next to me
Probably shoulda washed this, smells like R. Kelly's sheets
(Piiisssssss)
But shit, it was ninety-nine cents! (Bag it)
Coppin' it, washin' it, 'bout to go and get some compliments
Passin' up on those moccasins someone else's been walkin' in
But me and grungy fuckin it man
I am stuntin' and flossin' and
Savin' my money and I'm hella happy that's a bargain, bitch
I'ma take your grandpa's style, I'ma take your grandpa's style,
No for real - ask your grandpa - can I have his hand-me-downs? (Thank you)
Velour jumpsuit and some house slippers
Dookie brown leather jacket that I found diggin'
They had a broken keyboard, I bought a broken keyboard
I bought a skeet blanket, then I bought a kneeboard
Hello, hello, my ace man, my Mello
John Wayne ain't got nothing on my fringe game, hell no
I could take some Pro Wings, make them cool, sell those
The sneaker heads would be like "Aw, he got the Velcros"

[Hook x2]

[Verse 2:]
What you know about rockin' a wolf on your noggin?
What you knowin' about wearin' a fur fox skin?
I'm digging, I'm digging, I'm searching right through that luggage
One man's trash, that's another man's come-up
Thank your granddad for donating that plaid button-up shirt
'Cause right now I'm up in her stuntin'
I'm at the Goodwill, you can find me in the (Uptons)
I'm not, I'm not sick of searchin' in that section (Uptons)
Your grammy, your aunty, your momma, your mammy
I'll take those flannel zebra jammies, second-hand, I rock that motherfucker
The built-in onesie with the socks on that motherfucker
I hit the party and they stop in that motherfucker
They be like, "Oh, that Gucci - that's hella tight."
I'm like, "Yo - that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt."
Limited edition, let's do some simple addition
Fifty dollars for a T-shirt - that's just some ignorant bitch (shit)
I call that getting swindled and pimped (shit)
I call that getting tricked by a business
That shirt's hella dough
And having the same one as six other people in this club is a hella don't
Peep game, come take a look through my telescope
Tryna get girls from a brand? Man you hella won't
Man you hella won't

(Goodwill... poppin' tags... yeah!)
[Hook]

[Bridge:]
I wear your granddad's clothes
I look incredible
I'm in this bigg ass
coat
From that thrift shop down the road
I wear your granddad's clothes (Damn right)
I look incredible (now come on man)
I'm in this big ass coat (big ass coat)
From that thrift shop down the road (let's go)

[Hook]

(Little Girl: is that your Grandma's coat hahaha ?)
Macklemore spoke to MTV News about the meaning of the song: "Rappers talk about, oh I buy this and I buy that, and I spend this much money and I make it rain, and this type of champagne and painting the club, and this is the kind of record that's the exact opposite," he explained. "It's the polar opposite of it. It's kind of standing for like let's save some money, let's keep some money away, let's spend as little as possible and look as fresh as possible at the same time."
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
:woot:
Πανξουτόνι σοπ, Ζαζ. :eek: Ντεζανονβού.
Άμα την πατάω κι εγώ, φαίνεται πως θα 'ναι μακρύς ο χειμώνας. Πάω να ενημερώσω το ευρετήριο.

Έβαλα όμως τους στίχοι. [σικ] Added value. :laugh:
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
The Crimson Permanent Assurance featuring the "Accountancy Shanty" - Monty Python


It's fun to charter an accountant
And sail the wide accountancy
To find, explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy

It can be manly in insurance
We'll up your premium semi-annually
It's all tax-deductible
We're fairly incorruptible
We're sailing on the wide accountancy
 

daeman

Administrator
Staff member
...
Merchant Banker - Monty Python


Banker (John Cleese): Hello? Ah, Mr Victim, yes, I'm glad to say that I've got the go-ahead to lend you the money you require. Yes, we will of course want as security the deeds of your house, of your aunt's house, of your second cousin's house, of your wife's parents' house, and of your grannie's bungalow, and we will in addition need a controlling interest in your new company, unrestricted access to your private bank account, the deposit in our vaults of your three children as hostages and a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement carried out against you by any members of our staff during the normal course of their duties. No, I'm afraid we couldn't accept your dog instead of your youngest child, we would like to suggest a brand new scheme of ours under which 51% of both your dog and your wife pass to us in the event of your suffering a serious accident. Fine. No, not at all, nice to do business with you.
(puts the phone down, speaks on intercom) Miss Godfrey, could you send in Mr Ford please. (to himself) Now where's that dictionary. Ah yes - here we are, inner life... inner life... (a knock on the door) Come in. (Mr Ford enters, he is collecting for charity with a tin) Ah, Mr Ford isn't it?
Mr Ford (Terry Jones): That's right, yes.
Banker: How do you do. I'm a merchant banker.
Mr Ford: How do you do Mr...
Banker: Er... I forget my name for the moment but I am a merchant banker.
Mr Ford: Oh. I wondered whether you'd like to contribute to the orphan's home. (he rattles the tin)
Banker: Well I don't want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Slater Nazi we are quite keen to get into orphans, you know, developing market and all that. What sort of sum did you have in mind?
Mr Ford: Well... er... you're a rich man.
Banker: Yes, I am. Yes. Yes, very very rich. Quite phenomenally wealthy. Yes, I do own the most startling quantities of cash. Yes, quite right. You're rather a smart young lad aren't you. We could do with somebody like you to feed the pantomime horse. Very smart.
Mr Ford: Thank you, sir.
Banker: Now, you were saying. I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich.
Mr Ford: So er, how about a pound?
Banker: A pound. Yes, I see. Now this loan would be secured by the...
Mr Ford: It's not a loan, sir.
Banker: What?
Mr Ford: It's not a loan.
Banker: Ah.
Mr Ford: You get one of these, sir. (he gives him a flag)
Banker: It's a bit small for a share certificate isn't it? Look, I think I'd better run this over to our legal department. If you could possibly pop back on Friday...
Mr Ford: Well do you have to do that, couldn't you just give me the pound?
Banker: Yes, but you see I don't know what it's for.
Mr Ford: It's for the orphans.
Banker: Yes?
Mr Ford: It's a gift.
Banker: A what?
Mr Ford: A gift.
Banker: Oh a gift!
Mr Ford: Yes.
Banker: A tax dodge.
Mr Ford: No, no, no, no.
Banker: No? Well, I'm awfully sorry I don't understand. Can you just explain exactly what you want.
Mr Ford: Well, I want you to give me a pound, and then I go away and give it to the orphans.
Banker: Yes?
Mr Ford: Well, that's it.
Banker: No, no, no, I don't follow this at all, I mean, I don't want to seem stupid but it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal.
Mr Ford: Well, yes you are.
Banker: I am! Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?
Mr Ford: Well the incentive is to make the orphans happy.
Banker: (genuinely puzzled) Happy? You quite sure you've got this right?
Mr Ford: Yes, lots of people give me money.
Banker: What, just like that?
Mr Ford: Yes.
Banker: Must be sick. I don't suppose you could give me a list of their names and addresses could you?
Mr Ford: No, I just go up to them in the street and ask.
Banker: Good lord! That's the most exciting new idea I've heard in years! It's so simple it's brilliant! Well, if that idea of yours isn't worth a pound I'd like to know what is. (he takes the tin from Ford)
Mr Ford: Oh, thank you, sir.
Banker: The only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I'd given you the pound. And that's not good business.
Mr Ford: Isn't it?
Banker: No, I'm afraid it isn't. So, um, off you go. (he pulls a lever opening a trap door under Ford's feet and Ford falls through with a yelp) Nice to do business with you.
The Audit

(A small board meeting. An accountant stands up and reads...)
Accountant (Michael Palin): Lady Chairman, sir, shareholders, ladies and gentlemen. I have great pleasure in announcing that owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure of twelve million Canadian dollars, plus a refund of seven and a half million Deutschmarks from the Swiss branch, and in addition adding the debenture preference stock of the three and three quarter million to the directors' reserve currency account of seven and a half million, plus an upward expenditure margin of eleven and a half thousand lira, due to a rise in capital investment of ten million pounds, this firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling.
Chairman (Graham Chapman): A shilling Wilkins?
Accountant: Er, roughly, yes sir.
Chairman: Wilkins, I am the Chairman of a multi-million pound corporation and you are a very new chartered accountant. Isn't it possible there may have been some mistake?
Accountant: Well that's very kind of you sir, but I don't think I'm ready to be Chairman yet.
Board Member (John Cleese): Wilkins, Wilkins. This shilling, is it net or gross?
Accountant: It's British sir.
Chairman: Yes, has tax been paid on it?
Accountant: Yes, this is after tax. Owing to the rigorous bite of the income tax five pence of a further sixpence was swallowed up in tax.
Board Member: Five pence of a further sixpence?
Accountant: (eagerly) Yes sir.
Chairman: Five pence of a further sixpence?
Accountant: That's right sir.
Chairman: Then where is the other penny?
Accountant: Er...
Board Member: That makes you a penny short Wilkins. Where is it?
Accountant: Erm...
Chairman: Wilkins?
Accountant: (in tears) I embezzled it sir.
Chairman: What all of it?
Accountant: Yes all of it.
Board Member: You naughty person.
Accountant: It's my first. Please be gentle with me.
Chairman: I'm afraid it's my unpleasant duty to inform you that you're fired.
Accountant: Oh please, please.
Chairman: No, out!
Accountant: (crying) Oh... (he leaves)
Chairman: Yes, there's no place for sentiment in big business.
(He goes over to a wall plaque 'There is no place for sentiment in Big Business'. He turns it over. On the back it says 'He's right you know'.)
Bishop (Terry Jones): (to Chairman) Oh you're no fun anymore.
(Camel Spotting man comes running in shouting.)
Spotter (Eric Idle): I heard that. Who said that?
All: (pointing at the bishop) He did! He did!
Bishop: No I didn't.
All: Ooh!
Spotter: Right!
(Shot of the bishop bound and gagged and tied across a railway line.)
Voice Over (Eric Idle): Here is the address to complain to...
(Caption on screen : 'MR ALBERT SPIM, I,OOO,OO8 LONDON ROAD, OXFORD' But he reads:)
Voice Over: The Royal Frog Trampling Institute, 16 Rayners Lane, London, W.C. Fields. I'll just repeat that...
(Caption on screen : 'FLIGHT LT. & PREBENDARY ETHEL MORRIS, THE DIMPLES, THAXTED, NR BUENOS AIRES' He reads over it:)
Voice Over: Tristram and Isolde Phillips, 7.30 Covent Garden Saturday, near Sunday, and afterwards at the Inigo Jones Fish Emporium.
(Cut to Jewish figure.)
Jewish Figure (Michael Palin): And they want to put the licence fee up?
Tax on Thingy / Vox Pops


Politician (John Cleese): Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this AM and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB by tomorrow AM or PM at the latest. I told the PM's PPS that AM was NBG so tomorrow PM it is for the PM.
Give us a fag or I'll go spare. Now, the fiscal deficit with regard to the monetary balance, the current financial year excluding invisible exports, but adjusted of course for seasonal variations and the incremental statistics of the fiscal and revenue arrangements for the forthcoming annual budgetary period terminating in April.
First Official (Graham Chapman): I think he's talking about taxation.
Politician: Bravo, Madge. Well done. Taxation is indeed the very nub of my gist. Gentlemen, we have to find something new to tax.
Second Official (Eric Idle): I understood that.
Third Official (Terry Jones): If I might put my head on the chopping block so you can kick it around a bit, sir...
Politician: Yes?
Third Official: Well most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed, except one.
Politician: What do you mean?
Third Official: Well, er, smoking's been taxed, drinking's been taxed but not... thingy.
Politician: Good Lord, you're not suggesting we should tax... thingy?
First Official: Poo poo's?
Third Official: No.
First Official: Thank God for that. Excuse me for a moment. (leaves)
Third Official: No, no, no - thingy.
Second Official: Number ones?
Third Official: No, thingy.
Politician: Thingy!
Second Official: Ah, thingy. Well it'll certainly make chartered accountancy a much more interesting job.
(Cut to vox pops.)
Gumby (Michael Palin): (standing in water) I would put a tax on all people who stand in water ... (looks round him) ...Oh!
Man In Bowler Hat (Terry Jones): To boost the British economy I'd tax all foreigners living abroad.
Man In Suit (Eric Idle): I would tax the nude in my bed. No - not tax. What is the word? Oh - 'welcome'.
It's Man (Michael Palin): I would tax Racquel Welch. I've a feeling she'd tax me.
First Business Man (John Cleese): Bring back hanging and go into rope.
Second Business Man (Michael Palin): I would cut off the more disreputable parts of the body and use the space for playing fields.
Man In Cap (Michael Palin): I would tax holiday snaps.
(Freeze frame.)
 
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