Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 11 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 115

Thread: Τι έμαθα απ' το Χόλιγουντ

  1. #1
    Senior Member Hellegennes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    6,418

    Τι έμαθα απ' το Χόλιγουντ

    Μην ακούτε τις βλακείες που λένε. Ο στρατός δεν είναι το μεγαλύτερο σχολείο, το Χόλυγουντ είναι! Με τα χρόνια έχω μάθει πολλά σημαντικά και χρήσιμα πράγματα. Τόσο χρήσιμα που νιώθω την ακατανίκητη ανάγκη να τα μοιραστώ μαζί σας. Μην διστάσετε να προσθέσετε κι εσείς την σοφία σας, από το χολυγουντιανό σχολείο. Κανείς δεν έχει παρακολουθήσει όλα του τα μαθήματα...

    1. Τα ζόμπι δεν είναι χορτοφάγα (πολύτιμο μάθημα).
    2. Αν χρειαστείς αυτοκίνητο, μην διστάσεις να ανοίξεις την πόρτα του κοντινότερου. Όλα ανοιχτά είναι.
    3. Αν χρειαστείς αυτοκίνητο και σε κυνηγάει τέρας/μανιακός δολοφόνος/τυραννόσαυρος/ο Κθούλου, γάμα το. Ακόμη κι αν βρεις ξεκλείδωτο αυτοκίνητο, δεν θα παίρνει μπρος. Καλύτερη λύση είναι να τρέξεις ουρλιάζοντας.
    4. Αν είσαι μαύρος... εχμμ... λυπάμαι αλλά δεν υπάρχουν πολλά που μπορείς να κάνεις. Ο μαύρος πεθαίνει πάντα πρώτος.
    5. Αν έχεις παίξει Microsoft Flight Simulator, το 747 είναι παιχνιδάκι στην προσγείωση.
    6. Αν σε πιάσει ο κακός, μην φοβάσαι. Ποτέ δεν θα σε πυροβολήσει. Θα σε δέσει και θα σε αφήσει να πεθάνεις με κάποιον πολύπλοκο τρόπο, από τον οποίο θα μπορέσεις να γλυτώσεις εύκολα.
    7. Η καλύτερη θωράκιση από σφαίρες είναι η πόρτα του αυτοκινήτου. Το μόνο ευαίσθητο σημείο του αμαξώματος είναι το ντεπόζιτο βενζίνης. Αν κάποιος το πετύχει την γάμησες· θα γίνει θερμοπυρηνική σύντηξη.
    8. Αν σε κυνηγάει τραίνο την γάμησες· μπορείς να τρέξεις μόνο κατά μήκος των γραμμών.
    9. Αν χρειαστεί να μην μπεις σε κάποιο σπίτι, γιατί σε κυνηγάει γκρέμλιν/ο Τζακ ο Αντεροβγάλτης/παπαράτσι/ο Κθούλου, όλες οι πόρτες είναι ανοιχτές (μόνο οι αποθήκες είναι κλειδωμένες). Δυστυχώς για σένα, το ίδιο και τα παράθυρα.
    10. Στο διάστημα κανείς δεν μπορεί να σε ακούσει να ουρλιάζεις (πάρα πολύ πολύτιμο μάθημα)
    11. Αν σε κυνηγάει δράκος/δράκουλας/θυμωμένο Κοάλα/ο Κθούλου και είσαι μέσα σε κτήριο, το ασανσέρ δεν θα λειτουργεί.
    12. Αν κυνηγάς καρχαρίες, θα χρειαστείς μεγαλύτερο πλοίο (υπερβολικά πολύτιμο μάθημα)
    13. Αν φτιάχνεις πάρκο για δεινόσαυρους/μεταλλαγμένα μανιτάρια/τον Κινγκ Κονγκ/τον Κθούλου, δεν χρειάζεται να έχεις ούτε μεγάλο προσωπικό ασφαλείας -ένα άτομο αρκεί- ούτε πάνω από έναν προγραμματιστή για το υπερσύγχρονο πάρκο σου που βασίζεται εξολοκλήρου σε ηλεκτρονικά συστήματα.
    14. Είναι πολύ πιο εύκολο να εκπαιδεύσεις χειριστές τρυπανιών για αστροναύτες, παρά αστροναύτες να χειρίζονται τρυπάνια.
    15. Βασικά αν σε κυνηγάει ο Κθούλου την γάμησες. Επίσης είναι πολύ κακή ιδέα να χτίσεις θεματικό πάρκο με τον Κθούλου.

  2. #2
    Senior Member SBE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Londinium
    Posts
    11,055
    Gender
    Female
    Εγώ έχω απορίες από τις ταινίες. Όπως π.χ. που πωλούνται τα σεντόνια που έχουν σχήμα τέτοιο ώστε όταν ένα ζευγάρι είναι ξαπλωμένο δίπλα- δίπλα το σεντόνι να φτάνει μέχρι το σαγόνι της γυναίκας και μέχρι τη μέση του άντρα, χωρίς τσακίσεις και ζάρες.
    Τι σόι όπλα χρησιμοποιούν που κάθε σφαίρα βγαίνει από την κάνη φλεγόμενη κι έτσι εύκολα την εντοπίζεις. Πως καταφέρνουν όσοι περνάνε μέσα από τζαμαρίες να βγαίνουν άθικτοι. Και πώς γίνεται να θρυμματίζονται τόσο εύκολα τα παρμπρίζ των αυτοκινήτων.

  3. #3
    Senior Member dharvatis's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Le Grand Duché
    Posts
    2,811
    Gender
    Male
    Α ναι, και βασικά προβλήματα ανθρώπινης φυσιολογίας: οι κακοί πέφτουν αναίσθητοι με οποιοδήποτε χτύπημα στο κεφάλι και μένουν αναίσθητοι ακριβώς για όσο χρόνο χρειάζεται, και επίσης οι κακοί πεθαίνουν με μία σφαίρα (ανεξαρτήτως διαμετρήματος) ενώ οι καλοί ζουν ακόμα κι αν φάνε πέντε-έξι. Είναι προφανές ότι οι σωματικές αντοχές του ανθρώπου είναι ευθέως ανάλογες του ηθικού του αναστήματος, κάτι που καμία κλινική μελέτη δεν έχει εξετάσει ποτέ!
    Life is an aberration; it appears under unusual conditions, where there is an abnormal amount of resources, and then proceeds to expand and evolve, consuming those resources until eventually it dies away, leaving behind only bare rock and empty soda cans.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    5,101
    Gender
    Male
    Και επίσης, όταν ο πρωταγωνιστής βγαίνει στο δρόμο, βρίσκει αμέσως ταξί.

    Αν και αυτό συμβαίνει πια και στην Ελλάδα της κρίσης. Τις προάλλες έπρεπε να πάω κάπου με την κόρη μου, βγήκαμε στη λεωφόρο, βρήκαμε ταξί αμέσως. --Όπως στις ταινίες, είπε εκείνη.

  5. #5
    Senior Member SBE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Londinium
    Posts
    11,055
    Gender
    Female
    Όχι μόνο βρίσκει αμέσως ταξί, αλλά ο ταξιτζής έιναι πρόθυμος να ακολουθήσει εκείνο το αυτοκίνητο, κάνοντας κόλπα και οδηγώντας σαν τρελλός, γιατί πάντα ήθελε να γίνει οδηγός σε ράλλυ. Και στο τέλος οι ταξιτζήδες δεν παιρνουν χρήματα.

    Άσε που αν χρειαστείς αυτοκίνητο αρκεί να πεις σε έναν οδηγό με άγριο ύφος βγες έξω και να του παρεις το αυτοκίνητο.

    Επίσης ποτέ κανένα παιδί δεν γεννιέται χωρίς δυσκολία. Συνήθως ο τοκετός διαρκεί περίπου πεντε λεπτά, ενώ στις ταινίες τρόμου ακόμα λιγότερο, καθώς κρατάει πεντε λεπτά η σφαγή που ακολουθεί.

    Όταν μπαίνεις στο μέρος που θα συναντήσεις τον κακό (σπίτι, ουρανοξύστη κλπ) ξαφνικά η μέρα γίνεται νύχτα και φαίνεται κι από τα παράθυρα ο έναστρος ουρανός (πιο συχνό στα σήριαλ αυτό, κυρίως στο CSI).

    Και για να επεκτείνουμε τα περί ηθικού αναστήματος, αν είσαι καλός, το πιο εύκολο πράγμα στον κόσμο είναι να βρεθείς τετ-α-τετ με κάποιον ισχυρό. Είτε τον πρόεδρο των ΗΠΑ χωρίς να σε πάρει χαμπαρι η ασφάλειά του, είτε με κανέναν μεγιστάνα κλπ. Και αρκεί να τους πεις την όποια ιδέα σου για να σε εκτιμήσουν και να την εφαρμόσουν ή να σε προσλάβουν σε μεγάλη θέση με καλό μισθό, παρακάμπτοντας βεβαίως την ιεραρχία της επιχείρησής τους.

    Από το παλιό Χόλλυγουντ βέβαια ξέρουμε ότι οι μοιχαλίδες πεθαίνουν νέες, αλλά αυτό έχει αναθεωρηθεί μετά από έρευνες που έδειξαν ότι η μοιχεία δεν επηρεάζει το προσδόκιμο ζωής.

    Α, ναι και φυσικά οι μικρές πόλεις των ΗΠΑ είναι πολύ επικίνδυνες. Πάρα πολύ επικίνδυνες. Πιο επικίνδυνες από τις μεγάλες πόλεις.

  6. #6
    Senior Member daeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    anywhere I lay my head
    Posts
    22,901
    Gender
    Male
    ...
    Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

    -It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

    -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

    -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

    -No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

    -Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    -When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

    -You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

    -Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

    -An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

    -Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

    Από τα εισερχόμενα του ηλεταχυδρομείου μου πριν από καμιά δεκαετία και, φυσικά, από δεκάδες χιλιάδες ιστοσελίδες και φόρουμ.
    Θεωρητικά, θεωρία και πράξη είναι το ίδιο πράγμα. Στην πράξη, όμως, διαφέρουν.
    When this you see, remember me and bear me in your mind, let all the world say what they may, speak of me as you find.

  7. #7
    Senior Member daeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    anywhere I lay my head
    Posts
    22,901
    Gender
    Male
    ...
    “201 Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies or Television!”
    (http://actioncutprint.com/outtakes/)

    1. A cup of black coffee/splash of cold water in face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober in a split second

    2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    3. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

    4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

    5. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

    6. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

    7. After sleeping together, a couple always has the covers placed exactly in a way to reveal that they are naked, without showing any parts that might offend the FCC or MPAA.

    8. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

    9. All 20-year-old women are attracted to men thrice their age.

    10. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

    11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

    12. All computer hackers are either disabled or under 18 years old.

    13. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

    14. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

    15. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

    16. All media devices are readily available - ie If someone hands you a DAT tape with important data on it your PC will have a DAT drive.

    17. All members of alien species wear the same outfits, including clothing hairstyles, and jewelry. This makes them readily identifiable. Aliens who do not dress like aliens are hiding something.

    18. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

    19. All mothers are under 30 unless they have teen-aged children, in which case they are allowed to be 35.

    20. All single women have a cat.

    21. All technology is plug and play - every computer can have any piece of technology attached.

    22. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

    23. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

    24. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

    25. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

    26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

    27. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon! Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. Νo, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves...!"

    28. As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

    29. Asteroids travel through space making a noise like a powerful but subdued engine.

    30. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

    31. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.

    32. Bad guys will always get killed by a snake, while the hero simply reaches out and picks it up with his bare hands. (In addition, he will either break the reptile's neck or bite it's head off)

    33. Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flame throwers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, highpowered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.

    34. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.

    35. Bombs always have big, blinking, beeping timer displays. Evil geniuses who devise bombs to destroy things/people are always thoughtful enough to include a visible display (usually LED) of how much time remains before the bomb detonates, giving the hero accurate feedback on exactly how much time remains.

    36. Car chases always including aerobatics, jumps, rollovers, crashes, smashes, bashes, skids, and explosions.

    37. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

    38. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

    39. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.

    40. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

    41. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

    42. Data searching will always involve displaying all the searched data on the screen until a match is found - this is true of text and graphics such as fingerprints.

    43. Deleting of data always takes just a little less time than it takes the bad guys to knock down the door.

    44. Do not accept/take anything from the dead.

    45. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

    46. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

    47. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

    48. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.

    49. Don't look under the bed.

    50. Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.

    51. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

    52. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

    53. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

    54. Every time some guy walks into a bar, usually the hero, he gets into a fight. Usually right under a BUDWEISER sign (see "product placement"). Likelihood of fight increases if country music is playing in the background.

    55. Everyone has a well-stocked liquor cabinet. The ice never seems to melt. It's just always there.

    56. Evil scientists always have Nazi-sounding names and outfits.

    57. Explosions always happen in slow motion. When an explosion occurs, make certain you are running away from the point of detonation so the blast can send you flying, in slow motion, toward the camera.

    58. Female FBI agents always wear $2000 overcoats.

    59. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.

    60. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

    61. Heating and air conditioning ducts are large enough to crawl through. They are well-lit and spotlessly clean. The grilles where they open into rooms can be removed with a gentle push.

    62. High tech companies don't do offsite backups of the data (re: Terminator 2)

    63. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

    64. High tech equipment is often driven by a computer with a DOS prompt. (re: RoboCop)

    65. High tech graphical interfaces are often driven by hundreds of keystrokes which do not appear anywhere on the screen.

    66. Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

    67. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

    68. If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

    69. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

    70. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

    71. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

    72. If a well known face pops up in what seems to be a minor role then they are the perpetrator.

    73. If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.

    74. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

    75. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.

    76. If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.

    77. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.

    78. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

    79. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

    80. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"

    81. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.

    82. If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

    83. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

    84. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.

    85. If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

    86. If the villain has a female hench-person, she will be disposed of by the hero's female sidekick. This true even if the hench-person is a hardened terrorist with a black belt in judo, and the sidekick's only previous contribution to the action has been to fall over and clutch her ankle during the chase scene.

    87. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

    88. If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

    89. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

    90. If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

    91. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fusion, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

    92. If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.

    93. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    94. If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

    95. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no un-delete utilities.

    96. If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

    97. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it with anything.

    98. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.

    99. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

    100. If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, African game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
    Θεωρητικά, θεωρία και πράξη είναι το ίδιο πράγμα. Στην πράξη, όμως, διαφέρουν.
    When this you see, remember me and bear me in your mind, let all the world say what they may, speak of me as you find.

  8. #8
    Senior Member SBE's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Londinium
    Posts
    11,055
    Gender
    Female
    Και ένα ακόμα: όλοι ζουν σε σπίτια πολύ καλύτερα από ό,τι θα περίμενε κανείς με βάση το επάγγελμα και το εισόδημά τους (μήπως είναι όλοι Έλληνες φοροφυγάδες; ).
    Και δε συμβαίνει μόνο στις χαζές ταινίες αυτό. όποιος έχει δει τη Χλόη του Εγκογιάν θα διαπιστώσει ότι μία γιατρός κι ένας καθηγητής πανεπιστημίου έχουν αρκετά εισοδήματα ώστε να ζουν σε αυτό εδώ το σπίτι (και για τους λάτρεις της αρχιτεκτονικής, εδώ)

  9. #9
    Mod Almighty Palavra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Groussherzogtum Lëtzebuerg
    Posts
    13,630
    Gender
    Female
    • Τα τέρατα έχουν πάντα πλοκάμια.
    • Η γάτα του πρωταγωνιστή τη γλιτώνει πάντα, ακόμα και αν γαζώσουν το σπίτι του 50 μαφιόζοι με Καλάσνικοφ.
    • Όταν οδηγείς και σε κυνηγάνε, μπορείς να μπεις πάντα στο αντίθετο ρεύμα - κανείς δε θα πέσει πάνω σου, θα τρακάρουν όλοι μεταξύ τους.
    • Όταν είσαι CSI, πρέπει να εξηγείς στους συναδέλφους σου CSI τα πάντα με την πιο ανατριχιαστική λεπτομέρεια, γιατί πού να τα ξέρει ο άλλος, ειδικός είναι;
    • Αν σε κυνηγάει ζόμπι/παρανοϊκός δολοφόνος/η μαμά σου/ο Κθούλου (), ασφαλέστερος τρόπος να τρέξεις για να του ξεφύγεις είναι κοιτάζοντας συχνά πίσω σου να δεις αν σε ακολουθεί ακόμα, με αποτέλεσμα να σκοντάφτεις κάθε τρεις και λίγο, να σαβουρδιαστείς και να σε πιάσει. Συνήθως αυτό συμβαίνει όταν είσαι ξώβυζη πρωταγωνίστρια...
    • ...η οποία το βρίσκει πολύ φυσικό να πάει μια βόλτα μόνη της τη νύχτα να ξεσκάσει, παρόλο που έχουν γίνει ήδη πεντ' έξι φόνοι στην ευρύτερη περιοχή.
    • Δύο (Έλληνες) οϋκάδες μπορούν να ισοπεδώσουν τη Νέα Υόρκη με έναν συνδετήρα.
    The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that "my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge".
    -Isaak Asimov

  10. #10
    Senior Member daeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    anywhere I lay my head
    Posts
    22,901
    Gender
    Male
    ...
    101. If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.

    102. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.

    103. If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

    104. If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.

    105. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
    (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.)

    106. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.

    107. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

    108. If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.

    109. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

    110. In situations like the Vietnam war, and violent inner city neighborhoods, the person with the most plans, prospects, and hopes will die.

    111. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

    112. IP addresses automatically supply the feds with the physical address (ie log on and they know where you are!)

    113. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    114. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

    115. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

    116. It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

    117. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

    118. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

    119. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing realtime video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.

    120. Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

    121. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

    122. Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.

    123. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

    124. Male characters generally are cold-natured. They need to wear jeans and leather jackets when the female characters are comfortable in cutoffs and a halter top.

    125. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

    126. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

    127. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

    128. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization, unless the solution could be equally solved by smashing or shooting something, in which case the computer will fail to allow for gratuitous violence and destruction.

    129. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

    130. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

    131. Movie passengers either don't pay cabs at all, or have the exact change. Same is true in restaurants. Checks are always designed to be 15 percent under the bills the male custοmer has in his hands first.

    132. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.

    133. Never believe that your companion has truly become “dispossessed.”

    134. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

    135. Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.

    136. Never put your back to or lean on a door.

    137. Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.

    138. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.

    139. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily.

    140. Never speak to clowns in sewers.

    141. Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.

    142. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

    143. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

    144. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

    145. No matter what you ask a computer to do it will respond with a percentage complete bar graph - especially when searching for data it can accurately give you the time remaining until it finds that data.

    146. No one fumbles for car keys right before a car chase. they always jump right in and start the car up because they've left the keys in the ignition. Not a great idea in any major city.

    147. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

    148. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

    149. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

    150. Only men are alcoholics. Any hopeless alcoholic can quit drinking when faced with an important challenge. The instant the alcoholic stops drinking, all his faculties return and he faces no annoying withdrawals.

    151. People are often exact duplicates of remote ancestors, or of their parent at the same age.

    152. People being chased by a car will keep running down the middle of the road instead of ducking in somewhere where a car cannot go.

    153. People on TV never finish their drinks.

    154. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

    155. Police cars involved in chase scenes usually tend to suffer more than any other vehicles- they have head on collisions, smash parked cars, fall into water, and of course, experience the ever popular flying-roll, causing the car to land upside down and crush the lights and siren. Usually, we never get to see the unlucky police force member before or after the inevitable accident.

    156. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.

    157. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    158. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

    159. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

    160. Science is a dangerous profession. "Good" scientists are killed during the first half of the film, "evil" scientists are destroyed by their creations at the end.

    161. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

    162. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

    163. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

    164. Sudden acceleration of a car (be it forwards, backwards, stopping, skidding, sliding, or whatever) causes a loud skid, even on dirt or wet roads. Be prepared. Each wheel is also fitted with a smoke device to let you know when this happens. Hollywood cars are also special: when you take off quickly, you always leave a skid mark for each drive wheel, regardless of whether you have a limited slip differential or not.

    165. Suspects always seem to know exactly what they were doing a week last Tuesday. Real people can't remember what they were doing this morning.

    166. Telephone calls can be easily redirected through places all over the world, and upon a trace a globe will be displayed complete with lines traveling between each place.

    167. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

    168. The chief of police is always wrong.

    169. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours finish the job.

    170. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

    171. The hero and heroine in love always get a great table in a restaurant, even in New York City at lunch on Saturday

    172. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

    173. The 'rich guy' is always evil.

    174. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

    175. There are always a couple guys carrying glass panes and pushing carts of perishables in any large chases, and those items invariable get destroyed as a result.

    176. There are no stop signs in movie land. Wherever you have to drive, no matter how close or far away it is, you never have to stop before you get there.

    177. To be a brainy female in a film, you have to have long hair tied back and wear glasses; otherwise you must be thick. You can turn into a beautiful undiscovered swan later by having the hair untied and the glasses removed, but then you have to look like a rabbit in headlights.

    178. Two people will often converse while one stares out the window, with their back to the other. When an emotional point is made, the first person will turn around.

    179. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

    180. When a car falls off a cliff after a car chase, it usually explodes before reaching the ground.

    181. When a hero is paired with a weak sidekick, that sidekick will invariably save the hero's life at a crucial moment, or show remarkable proficiency with weapons in a key scene.

    182. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

    183. When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!

    184. When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth.

    185. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

    186. When the detective pulls up at the very door of the busy urban locale he needs to visit, there's always a parking space, he never gets a ticket, and his car is never gone or damaged when he gets back.

    187. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

    188. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

    189. When you cut the wire to the detonator, the timer will stop. You will not be able to do this, however, until only one second remains.

    190. When you go to rob a bank in a film, you will always choose the teller who has just started his or her first day on the job.

    191. When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.

    192. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

    193. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

    194. Whenever someone looks through the binoculars, you see two joined circles instead of one.

    195. Woman falls to the ground whilst being chased by a bad guy, even when running over level, unobstructed terrain. Note that when a man and woman are being chased, usually the woman falls, then the man pauses and helps her up.

    196. Word processors never display a cursor.

    197. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

    198. You can eat as much as you want in a film and you'll never EVER have to go to the bathroom.

    199. You can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.

    200. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. Just keep hitting the keys without stopping.

    201. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.
    Θεωρητικά, θεωρία και πράξη είναι το ίδιο πράγμα. Στην πράξη, όμως, διαφέρουν.
    When this you see, remember me and bear me in your mind, let all the world say what they may, speak of me as you find.

Page 1 of 12 1 2 3 4 5 11 ... LastLast

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •