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Thread: Αγγλικά λογοπαίγνια – English puns

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    Administrator Zazula's Avatar
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    Αγγλικά λογοπαίγνια – English puns

    Ξεκαρδιστικά λογοπαίγνια στ' αγγλικά που τα βρήκα στο punoftheday.com — τα πιάνετε όλα;

    1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
    3. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
    4. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
    5. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
    6. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
    7. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
    8. Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
    9. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
    10. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
    11. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    13. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
    14. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
    15. When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
    16. I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.
    17. Mummies are bound to be uptight.
    18. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
    19. A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
    20. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    21. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
    22. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
    23. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
    24. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
    25. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
    .
    26. Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
    27. My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
    28. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
    29. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
    30. I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
    31. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
    32. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    33. Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
    34. A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
    35. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    36. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
    37. Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.
    38. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
    39. I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
    40. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
    41. Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips.
    42. I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
    43. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
    44. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
    45. Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
    46. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
    47. You know prices are rising when you buy a winter jacket and even down is up.
    48. Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
    49. A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
    50. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    .
    51. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
    52. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.
    53. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
    54. When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
    55. It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
    56. She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
    57. What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
    58. John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
    59. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
    60. If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
    61. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
    62. My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.
    63. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
    64. I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
    65. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
    66. I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
    67. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    68. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    69. I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
    70. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
    71. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
    72. The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.
    73. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
    74. I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.
    75. Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.
    .
    76. To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
    77. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
    78. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    79. I get my large circumference from too much pi.
    80. The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
    81. I'm inclined to be laid back.
    82. The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
    83. If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.
    84. I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
    85. It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
    86. Greengrocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed.
    87. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
    88. The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.
    89. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.
    90. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
    91. England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool
    92. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
    93. He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
    94. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    95. A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.
    96. Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.
    97. He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
    98. When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.
    99. The shareholders of a compass manufacturer were concerned that the company wasn't heading in the right direction.
    100. The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.
    .
    101. Tennis players don't marry because Love means Nothing to them.
    102. She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.
    103. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
    104. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
    105. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
    106. The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.
    107. A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
    108. I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.
    109. I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.
    110. Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left.
    111. Never invest in funerals, it's a dying industry.
    112. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.
    113. The trailer for the movie was produced without a hitch!
    114. I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
    115. I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours.
    116. Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    117. I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click.
    118. I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
    119. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
    120. The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
    121. For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.
    122. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
    123. Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.
    124. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
    125. The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified.
    .
    126. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    127. My student was late for class, claiming he was in the washroom. I think he was stalling.
    128. All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.
    129. The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
    130. Math teachers have lots of problems.
    131. For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.
    132. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    133. In high school I recall having a beautiful but difficult math teacher. She was easy on the eyes and hard on the pupils!
    134. Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
    135. A handlebar mustache may look ridiculous, but symmetrical eyelashes are even cilia.
    136. Although Nobelists tend to have dynamite personalities, Niels was a Bohr, and Linus was a Pauling.
    137. Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.
    138. Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
    139. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
    140. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
    141. Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.
    142. The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
    143. 5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.
    144. If you need something done, call an electrician - they conduit.
    145. I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back.
    146. I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself.
    147. In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.
    148. Every calendar's days are numbered.
    149. I hate the price of candy at the movie theater. They're always raisinette.
    150. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
    .
    151. If you wear a blindfold at the shooting range, you won't know what you're missing.
    152. An electrician is a bright spark who knows what's watt.
    153. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
    154. My wife tells me I'm a skeptic - but I don't believe a word she says.
    155. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
    156. I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.
    157. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
    158. Somebody was running a flea circus, but a dog came and stole the show.
    159. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
    160. Bugs have very diverse religious views, because they are all in sects.
    161. I used to be a banker but I lost interest
    162. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    163. If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.
    164. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
    165. There was a fight in the candy store. Two suckers got licked.
    166. He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.
    167. Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners.
    168. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
    169. Optometrists live long because they dilate.
    170. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
    171. A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'We don't serve bacteria in this place.' The bacteria said, 'But I work here, I'm staph.'
    172. What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.
    173. He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.
    174. When the shocked IRS agent was found guilty of tax evasion he had to take time to collect himself.
    175. I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.
    .
    176. Organ donors put their heart into it.
    177. Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.
    178. In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.
    179. We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.
    180. As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'.
    181. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
    182. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    183. The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
    184. The cowboy that got fired from his ranch job wasn't crazy, he was just deranged.
    185. I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.
    186. When asked by a passenger how high he would get, the pilot replied,'I don't do drugs.'
    187. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"
    188. Old colanders never die, they just can't take the strain anymore.
    189. If you are among the cream of dairy inspectors, nothing cheesy gets pasteurize.
    190. Benny was sure that if he had to he could master braille once he got a feel for it.
    191. I tried wrapping Christmas presents, but I didn't have the gift.
    192. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
    193. My friend dropped his box of Italian pastries on the floor. I cannoli imagine what he must be going through.
    194. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
    195. It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
    196. If you invite an insomniac to your pajama party they will be up for it.
    197. Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
    198. It's true I don't like soap, but you don't have to rub it in my face!
    199. Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
    200. I didn't understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.

  2. #2
    Senior Member azimuthios's Avatar
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    Δεν τα διάβασα όλα, αλλά ευχαριστώ Ζαζ. Όσα διάβασα είναι σπουδαία και ξεκαρδιστικά.
    Κι αν δεν μπορείς να κάμεις την ζωή σου όπως την θέλεις,/
    τούτο προσπάθησε τουλάχιστον / όσο μπορείς: μην την εξευτελίζεις --Κ. Καβάφης--

    Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. --Ludwig Wittgenstein, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus--

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    Mod Almighty Palavra's Avatar
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    Αυτό, όχι:
    2. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
    ...δεν τα διάβασα όλα ακόμα
    The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that "my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge".
    -Isaak Asimov

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    Administrator Zazula's Avatar
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    Εγώ έχω λιώσει όλη τη μέρα διαβάζοντάς τα.

    Παλ Αύρα: all right (αφού μόνο η δεξιά πλευρά τού 'χει μείνει πλέον) και all right = OK.

  5. #5
    Senior Member azimuthios's Avatar
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    Αφού του κόπηκε η αριστερή πλευρά τώρα είναι μόνο δεξιά (all right), Παλ...
    Κι αν δεν μπορείς να κάμεις την ζωή σου όπως την θέλεις,/
    τούτο προσπάθησε τουλάχιστον / όσο μπορείς: μην την εξευτελίζεις --Κ. Καβάφης--

    Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. --Ludwig Wittgenstein, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus--

  6. #6
    Administrator Zazula's Avatar
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    There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

  7. #7
    Senior Member azimuthios's Avatar
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    Θα είχε ενδιαφέρον τώρα που τα διαβάζω με προσοχή, να προσπαθήσουμε σαν άσκηση να τα μεταφράσουμε κιόλας, για να δούμε τι μπορούμε να πετύχουμε.
    Κι αν δεν μπορείς να κάμεις την ζωή σου όπως την θέλεις,/
    τούτο προσπάθησε τουλάχιστον / όσο μπορείς: μην την εξευτελίζεις --Κ. Καβάφης--

    Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. --Ludwig Wittgenstein, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus--

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    Administrator Zazula's Avatar
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    Δεν τόλμησα να το προτείνω εξαρχής, διότι αντιλαμβάνομαι το πόσο δύσκολο είναι. Ωστόσο ήμουν βέβαιος πως κάθε μεταφραστής που 'χει φάει γερή πετριά, την ώρα που θα διάβαζε το κάθε λογοπαίγνιο θα προβληματιζόταν και σχετικά με τη μεταφραστική απόδοσή του.

  9. #9
    Administrator nickel's Avatar
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    Καλημέρα. Για να μη λιώσω σαν τον Ζάζουλα, τα λογοπαίγνια κιντλεροποιήθηκαν και η απόλαυσή τους θα γίνει στον σωστό τόπο και χρόνο.

    Μπαίνω, βέβαια, σ' έναν πειρασμό, να ζητάμε από τα νέα μέλη να μεταφράζουν κι από ένα λογοπαίγνιο.

    Προς το παρόν, θα ανέβω ένα σκαλί ακόμα και θα αναφέρω (για δεύτερη φορά) τους τομσουιφτισμούς, Tom Swifties:

    A Tom Swifty (or Tom Swiftie) is a phrase in which a quoted sentence is linked by a pun to the manner in which it is attributed.

    Τα παραδείγματα είναι της Wikipedia:

    • "I'll have a martini," said Tom dryly.
    • "Who left the toilet seat down?" Tom asked peevishly.
    • "Pass me the shellfish," said Tom crabbily.
    • "That's the last time I'll stick my arm in a lion's mouth," the lion-tamer said off-handedly.
    • "Can I go looking for the Grail again?" Tom requested.
    • "I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," said Tom succinctly.
    • "I might as well be dead," Tom croaked.
    • "We just struck oil!" Tom gushed.
    • "It's freezing," Tom muttered icily.
    • "They had to amputate them both at the ankles," said Tom defeatedly.
    • "Who discovered radium?" asked Marie curiously.
    • "The Battle of the Nile? A lot of fun!" said Lord Nelson disarmingly.
    • "Hurry up and get to the back of the ship," Tom said sternly.
    • "Is there a number between seven and nine?" Tom asked considerately.
    • "We could have made a fortune canning pineapples" Tom groaned dolefully.

    The standard syntax is for the quoted sentence to be first, followed by the description of the act of speaking. The hypothetical speaker is usually, by convention, called "Tom" (or "he" or "she"), unless some other name is needed for the pun (as in the Marie Curie and Lord Nelson examples above).


    Στο επόμενο μήνυμα θα πιάσουμε τα cryptic clues των σταυρολέξων.
    Μένω ΕυρώπηΣύγκρουση ιδεών, όχι βία και μισαλλοδοξία: δεν οδηγούν πουθενά. (Λ. Κύρκος)Θα περάσει κι αυτό
    ΕΝΑ ΝΗΜΑ ΤΗΝ ΗΜΕΡΑ ΤΗΝ ΑΝΙΑ ΚΑΝΕΙ ΠΕΡΑ. Staying hungry, staying foolish. Το διαδίκτυο βλάπτει όταν δεν σκέφτεσαι.

  10. #10
    HandyMod drsiebenmal's Avatar
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    Χμμ, κάτι σε "a Nickel for your puns", he worded lexically εμπίπτει στον ορισμό;
    Wer die Wahrheit nicht weiß, der ist bloß ein Dummkopf. Aber wer sie weiß, und sie eine Lüge nennt, der ist ein Verbrecher!
    We base decisions on facts, not superstition, not what our ideology tells us but rather what we can observe

    δεῖ δὲ χρημάτων, καὶ ἄνευ τούτων οὐδὲν ἔστι γενέσθαι τῶν δεόντων
    Η Ελλάδα είναι Ευρώπη, η Ευρώπη είναι Ελλάδα!

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